We use swimmies to learn to wade in the big kid's pool. We use training wheels, we wear a helmet, and we tie our shoes in double knots, all so that we don't trip and fall.
But what happens to those protective shields when we grow up?
As adults, we take risks without warning and we have to pick ourselves up when we fall. We cross the street before the light changes. We drive without seatbelts and we change lanes without signaling. We wear stilettos on slick streets and we go into the cold without enough layers.
And when it comes to love, there's no one there to help us cope with our fears of rejection, or to hold our hand when we are starting a new relationship. There is no one there to protect our heart or to tell us to love with abandon; no seatbelt to guard our spirit, no perfect training wheels for a new relationship and no shield big enough to protect our heart. Dating is complicated, and in your thirties, it can be even more overwhelming.
Dating in your thirties is the complete opposite of dating in your twenties. In your early twenties everything seems casual and carefree. You aren't thinking about marriage and long-term compatibility. You don't have nearly as much baggage and your life is less complicated. Many of your friends are single and you don't feel the pressure to settle down.
But when you date in your thirties there is more risk; you have most likely been hurt and disappointed and you are afraid. You are most likely looking for a partner, but your life is much busier. You have more criteria but less patience and far less time. If you make time for a date it had better be worth it and there is less room for mistakes. If he doesn't call when he says he will, you give up. If he makes one wrong move, your guard is up. You swear you will never be hurt again and that you would rather be alone than settle.
You promise yourself that you will wait for the right man, that you won't settle, and so, you continue to date. But when you meet a possibility, your fears take over and you wonder if you have the strength to jump in once again, or if you'll allow yourself to lose control. You hate being thirty and knowing that you don't want to waste your time.
What are we really afraid of?
One common answer is rejection. As one woman, Amanda, says, "I am terrified that this relationship will end and that it was all for nothing. I mean how many times can you start over? Who has the time or the stamina?"
Another common fear is repeating past mistakes with a new relationship. Another dater, Laura, who had been treated badly in the past, expressed her fear of meeting another liar. "My last boyfriend had a double life. It seemed he was devoted and wonderful to me. Then I found out that I was one of many women in his life. I was devastated. How can I ever trust again?"