Usually, through some kind of weird alchemy, he passed from the getting-to-know-you stage to the dreaded friend zone before he knew what was happening or why.
This time was different. The attraction between him and Reena was immediate. But when, after only one night, she was already dropping the "r" word, he realized she'd categorized him as a long-term prospect. While he, on the other hand, was still looking at her as a bit of fun -- at least until he found out whether or not she had a history of madness in the family. Or was an Ayn Rand fan.
As harried, busy humans, we inevitably file people into categories. We meet someone and almost immediately, consciously or subconsciously, we try to figure out how and where he or she might fit into our diabolical machinations... er, dating lives.
Is Miss Hot Date a potential long-term partner? Is Mr. Fantastic good for more than a one-night stand? Do we keep Myron Poindexter on the sidelines while we rock the sheets with Sebastian Leatherpants?
"The thing about putting someone on the back-burner," says Jessica, a kinesiologist/part-time waitress, "is that sooner or later you're going to find yourself on the back-burner. It's the Golden Rule: what goes around comes around."
Signs you're the back-burner person are fairly obvious -- plans broken at the last minute, the phone not ringing, bed sheets already mussed when you arrive. For some it's a safe, but not necessarily ideal, position to be in.
"It's like you go to meet a friend for coffee," says Jada P., a poet-artist. "You're there, you've brought a book, you're looking casual, but you're not engaged in the book. You're spending the whole time looking for your friend. You're not really in your life."
But do the two sexes differ when it comes to categorizing? "Guys are looking for a no-hassle situation," says Jada. "They ask themselves, 'Is this going to get complicated?' Women don't do that. They're looking to engage, not escape. So they'll categorize men accordingly."
Asked if women have a double standard when it comes to whom they'll sleep with, Crystal, an aspiring comedian, said yes. "A nice guy, if he's too nice to the point of disgusting, will get totally put in that slot [of being kept on the line]. Whereas if the guy's a total jerk, the girl will be like, 'OK, let's [have sex] right now.'"
It may be fair to say men, in general, have less of a hierarchical system; they either want to sleep with a woman or they don't, and they're not going to delay gratification according to some notion of future happiness. "I'm either interested or I'm not," says Don S.
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Inevitably, exceptions occur. "Right now I'm just categorizing according to people I can go out with and feel good about myself and not get into bed with," says Eugene O., who is going through a divorce after a 12-year marriage. "I'm trying to avoid that."
Still, our mental filing cabinet doesn't always jibe with our emotions. "I spoke to someone last night," Eugene continues. "I love talking to her, and she's been great. I've been encouraging her to follow up on some guy things, and she did. And then I started feeling jealous that she's going out on a date. I was going, 'I don't want her sexually.' But then I felt a pang."