"How do we know who likes it and who doesn't?" says Michael Sullivan, who lives in Halifax. "Once I held the door open for a date on the way to dinner, only to be told that she was quite capable of opening doors herself. Which totally ruined the evening, I felt like she had me pegged as a sexist pig."
Although there are those who do not appreciate a guy taking the masculine role, plenty of women just love it. Vancouverite Lynne Williams swoons at gentlemanly behavior.
"A man opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, ordering for me. Just wow. This feminist-leaning girl veers hard for that kind of guy!" Jennifer Aikman, who is also from Vancouver, puts it like this: "I'm a dead sucker for gentlemanly behavior. I shave my legs and wear lipstick, the least a guy can do is stand up when I enter the room."
Jason Tesauro, co-author of The Modern Lover: A Playbook for Suitors, Spouses, and Ringless Carousers and teacher of manners for modern men says that the problem for men is partly generational.
"If you go back to our grandparents, men were ingrained with the gender specific roles of social behavior and a man knew what a man was and women accepted certain roles as well," says Tesauro.
"As women's lives have expanded men have been left going, 'Well wait a minute, I'm no longer defined as the breadwinner, my wife makes more money than I do, I'm no longer defined as a caretaker, and I'm not even necessary for procreation.' Today's men are floating a bit and wondering how to deal with having both machismo and sensitivity."
Striking a Balance
These days, gentlemanly acts are not only in danger of being misinterpreted as being sexist. So rare is such behavior that, by displaying it, you may not be thought of as strictly straight. Tesauro says it is key to integrate the manners, the savvy and the vice of being a gentleman in to your life when dating.
"If you just have the manners, and you are just being chivalrous, you'll certainly be invited over for strolls on Saturday afternoons but you're not exactly going to get the hall pass or a call on the nights that she's on a buzz and feels like smooching," says Tesauro. "If all you offer is vice then she's got a party pal, but you're still unlikely to be taken seriously as a suitor. You've got to pull something out of each one of those playbooks."
Basically, a man needs to act like a man in order to pull off the whole manners thing and still be seen as decent breeding material. Having confidence in your actions, and not being afraid to be a man is vital.
Beyond Opening Doors for a Lady
Tesauro says that being a modern gentleman means being proficient in the language of courtship and being able to keep that going as the relationship matures. Of course standing up when a lady arrives or alights from the table is very charming, but being gentlemanly should extend beyond just old fashioned manners and show your date respect, creativity and good taste.
"For example, should you be running late, don't leave your date strumming her fingers at the bar wondering if she's been stood up again. Call the hostess and tell her 'I'm meeting a brunette with glasses, please send over a glass of bubbly and a note to say I'm running late,'" says Tesauro. "Then she might not know where the date is going but she'll already be thinking 'I dig this guy.'"