He has lot of female friends: "America's most quoted dating expert" (according to his website) David Wygant, disagrees with me on this one. "A player doesn't have female friends because nobody wants to be friends with the guy," he says. But I beg to differ. The sophisticated player leaves women disappointed but not full of hate. After delicately dumping a woman he extends an olive branch and adds her to his social circle of spurned women. I have male friends who have huge circles of female friends among whom I am the only person they have not slept with. This is not (you'll have to take my word for it) because I am grossly unattractive but because I am one of the guys. Having a circle of female friends opens up your options.
So What Do You Do with Him?
You've determined that you are indeed dating a player. But you still like him. There are probably many good reasons for this. As I said, players are charming. They're also often dynamite in the sack. What to do?
The thing is, even if they appear to be treating dating as well, a game, sleeping with a lot of people doesn't automatically make you a bad person. For a lot of these guys, for one reason or another, hooking up with chicks makes them feel valued. And they really are just looking for love, like everybody else. But they're picky. Or scared. Or stupid or whatever.
The recently engaged Evan Katz says, "Just because a guy is not that into you doesn't make him a player. Speaking from personal experience, I dated everyone in Los Angeles over the course of 10 years. The women to whom I did not commit could turn around and call me a player. But I'm looking for the person that makes me want to stop playing."
There's a point where it all just becomes kind of pathetic, particularly as men get older. A player in his 20s is cute. A player in his 40s better have a great job and some money. Sorry but it's true.
Players are insecure. They probably didn't have great relationships with their fathers or were picked on at school. They have something to prove.
In a lot of these cases, you might want to walk. Who needs someone with so much baggage they need to stick it into everything that moves? But if you're determined to work through the inferiority complex because you see that somewhere inside your own personal player is a great man waiting for the right woman, you can give it a go.
Wygant says, "You've got to play hard to get. You can't be at his disposal. A player is only going to remain interested as long as you're a challenge. You need to tease him. Make him know that every other guy wants you."
Sounds like a tall order for a whole relationship....
"Play his game," Wygant goes on. "When you have sex with a player be great in bed and then just shut him down for two or three days so he aches for you.
"A player will settle down with a woman who is really cool. Who is always a challenge, who is always fun sexually, mentally and emotionally. You've got to play it cool. You've got to be that cool, fun woman. When he's out with his friends, don't text him. The less you question him the less he'll do. Respect his individuality. You gotta realize that your life is your life and his life is his life. Then he'll realize you're the coolest woman in the world."
A lot of that, except maybe the shutting down after sex part, just sounds like grounds for a good relationship in general.
Maybe it will work for you and you and your Lothario will live happily ever after. Or maybe you'll decide it's not worth the trouble. Then it's time to walk away.
Katz says, "You can't really change anybody. The goal of being in a relationship is finding someone you can accept. If you can't accept that a guy is a certain way then you probably shouldn't be with him. Only a player can decide if he wants to stop playing."