O No!

I seem to have a problem in the sack. I am easily horny, have no problems getting excited, and LOVE to have sex (including oral, manual and toys), but I just can't cum! It's really frustrating and I don't know what to do. My friends tell me I need to figure it out for myself first, then I can "instruct" the guy. Well, I've been masturbating since I was 10 and no luck. I get close, oh so close, and then POOF nothing. Same thing with oral. And with sex, I'll get really close and then my boyfriend cums just too soon. I've only slept with a few people, one long-term loving relationship and two hot friends with benefits. Please help me.

-- CParrott

Brent Says:

There are a lot of theories about this floating around. Doctors used to believe that some percentage of women simply couldn't have an orgasm. Nowadays, most people believe that all women are capable of having an orgasm but may be prevented from doing so by outside factors. Sometimes it's a partner who can't stimulate you the way your body needs to be stimulated. In that case, talk to him and instruct him about what makes you feel good. Sometimes there are emotional factors holding you back: guilt, stress, depression, etc. It sounds like you are into sex, though, so I'd suggest two things. First, check out the number of books and videos available on the topic. There are any number devoted to this very problem. If that doesn't help, I'd visit your family doctor or a registered sex therapist to talk about the problem. Good luck and don't give up. Great orgasms could be just around the corner.

Kelly Says:

The likelihood of there being a physiological problem at the root of your inability to climax is slim, so let's focus on what's going on in your noggin. You know, don't you, that orgasms are the result of mental arousal and not just physical excitement? I'm willing to bet that the longer you try unsuccessfully to cum, the harder it will be. You put more pressure on yourself the longer you go dry, and this stress totally detracts from your ability to focus on the thoughts that are going to bring you to climax. If it was me, I'd make an appointment with a sex therapist. You don't want to miss out on orgasms forever (believe me on this one). But until you get in the doc's door, consider the following: Have you tried watching pornographic movies while fooling around or masturbating? (These speed up the arousal process and help us to escape ourselves as we let our inhibitions go.) Have you tried clenching your vaginal canal when you start to feel close? Is it possible you're lesbian?

Rebound Reject?

I met a woman recently who was in the middle of a messy break-up from a live-in relationship. We really hit it off, there was a real connection, and we kept in touch while she extricated herself. I was patient (sort of) and waited until she was single. We went out a few times and talked a lot on the phone. A few times we were out drinking and ended up sleeping together -- no sex -- but very intimate. Now she has given me the "just friends" speech and has turned quite cold. Was I a rebound, is she getting over her previous relationship, or are we really "just friends." Advice?

-- Mike

Kelly Says:

It's possible that all three of those scenarios are a reality. My guess is that your attentions gave her the confidence to break up with her live-in boyfriend but that once she was free from him she felt she needed some time to recover, recuperate and figure out what she wanted from her new single status (good for her). It's possible, too, that she felt guilty about your intimate moments so soon after moving out (she obviously loved the other guy enough to move in with him). You may never know what it was that you had with her. And that's not really the point, is it? The bottom line is, right now you want to be together and she doesn't want to be with you. If what you had was really that special, then when she's ready, she'll reach out to you. If not, well, accept the fact that you win some, you lose some, and next time try putting your efforts into wooing someone who doesn't come with so much baggage.

Brent Says:

I can't know what she was thinking but there are some possibilities. She may have just thought of you as a friend the whole time and you misread the signals. She may have thought she liked you but changed her mind -- it happens. My guess is that she used you as a substitute lover to give her the guts to leave her relationship. It's hard to break up, especially when you are living together. It's lonely, frightening and emotionally draining. Having you may have reassured her that she could be loved again once she was out of the relationship. Once she was out of the situation and relishing her new freedom she may have realized that she wasn't into you so much as the emotional support you provided. And, sorry, she can get that from someone she really digs. Not trying to be harsh here, dude. It's just the way things go. If she just wants to be friends, I think you have to move on.