What Women Want?

Do men need to be told how to act (returning phone calls when they say they will; noticing the living room looks like a war zone; remembering your birthday; blah, blah, blah...) in a relationship or will they just get it eventually? Is it rude to tell them when they don't get it on their own? Should you keep looking for "The One" that gets it or educate the one you're with?

-- Venus searching for Mars

Kelly Says:

A wise woman will never tell a man how to act. Doing so -- even if it means saving your pork tenderloin from the wrath of a too-hot barbecue -- will result in getting exactly the opposite of what you'd asked for. Men (for some Freudian reason I've clearly forgotten) don't take direction well, even if we are trying to help. In your case, Venus, you need to find a way to get your messages across in a non-instructional way. Say, by pointing out that his friend so-and-so did this or that for his girlfriend and you think that that's pretty damn sweet. Or, if you're worried that he won't be able to translate the simple message, offer a straightforward tradeoff for something you think he might really want, like, I dunno, control of the remote for a week. If your Mars has the hots for you and you can make him understand in a non-lecturing voice that a certain thing will make you happy (and that you're not asking for something just to inconvenience him), you're halfway to getting it.

Brent Says:

While you're at it, tell us how to dress, what friends we should have and what TV shows we can watch. Venus, it sounds like you're looking for a grown-up Ken doll to play house with and not a real man. And despite your intentions to "educate" your man (talk about a superiority complex) maybe what he's doing is just fine after all. In fact, maybe he's telling his friends you're really high-maintenance: expecting phone calls all of the time; freaking out when the magazine fan is out of place in the living room; and going off in a huff if he doesn't wish you "Happy Birthday" the minute you wake up. Women have different ideas of appropriate behavior, Venus, so get used to differing opinions on the best way to spend a Saturday evening. Talk it out, for sure. But drop the attitude or else you'll find yourself with a one-way ticket to nagging-girlfriend dumpsville.

Ditching Deserve a Pitching?

I was supposed to take my boyfriend of eight weeks to a party and he didn't show up or call. Later he explained why and while it wasn't totally illegitimate, in reality, he just didn't want to go. We talked about this and he now understands I was more upset about not getting the phone call than I was about him not going. Otherwise, we have a really great relationship. Do I give him a second chance since he only dropped the ball once (from an eight-storey window) or do I keep on looking?

-- Question from Ohio

Brent Says:

What is it with the attitude this week? The guy misses a party and you're ready to dump him? Sounds like you have a really strong relationship there, Ohio. Sure, he should have called to tell you he wasn't going -- that sucks. But it sounds like you've talked it out and he understands his error. So, what's the real issue? Did he socially embarrass you so you need to get back at him, or is it a pure relationship power play for you? Hey, you're right. Throw that perfectly great relationship out the window. I'm sure with that level of forgiveness and understanding you'll be sure to find another guy. Or, maybe you should get together with Venus. It sounds like you two would be perfect for each other... so long as you don't disagree on anything.

Kelly Says:

If you're still calling him your "boyfriend," haven't you already decided to give him a second chance? Although he sounds like he might not have the best instincts when it comes to dating, the fact that you're able to talk about things openly with him means you've got a lot more going for your relationship than most. But beware: if he's not as kindhearted as you believe him to be, he could be testing the waters to see how much control he has over you. For the same reason that people say, "Once a cheater always a cheater," getting away with treating someone badly can be an invitation for a repeat performance without consequence. If it were me, I'd proceed with caution. If it happens again, he's either thick or a dick and you don't want him anyway.