No Mr. Nice Guy in Her Bed

I've been seeing a wonderful guy from Lavalife for the past few months. We haven't had sex yet, but it's definitely moving in that direction. The problem here is that he's a nice guy, perhaps too nice, and I tend to like guys who are more dominant in the bedroom. Should I bring this up with him before we bring sex into the relationship, or should I try to ease him into it once we've been intimate for a while? This is very important to me, but I don't want to scare him off!

-- Sarah

Kelly Says:

Give the dude a chance. Who's to say that, when it comes down to doing the deed, he's not going to pull out all the stops and dominate you just the way you like it? Or introduce you to a whole new approach to sex that you like even more? Even if he doesn't boss you around the bedroom, don't you want to know what kind of lover he is naturally before you try and morph him into something else? In answer to your question, I'd definitely go with the flow before imposing your penchant for powerlessness on him. If you don't get off with the way things play out the first few times, express to him what you want in actions and words, and see where that gets you. If you guys really dig each other and both want to take the relationship to the next level, you'll find a way to make the sex work.

Brent Says:

How do you even know what he's like in bed? Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he's not a crazy hard banger once he hits the mattress. And remember that it usually takes a few times in the sack for a couple to really hit a rhythm. So give him a couple of chances to show you his stuff then start to guide him. Ease him into it by asking for little things like holding your wrists down, pushing you down on the bed and moving you around into different positions -- whatever turns your crank. He'll likely get the idea and it won't be as intimidating as saying, "Hey, I'm really into domination." If he still doesn't get it, then open the conversation by asking him to take more of a lead in the bedroom.

Is He Cheating Online?

How can one justify being on dating sites/chat rooms while in a serious relationship? I'm enraged and feel like I am being cheated on. But he thinks I'm psycho and paranoid. What are your views?
-- Bruised

Brent Says:

In any relationship, it's up to the couple to determine the rules that work for them. There is no right and wrong. It does seem odd for him to be in chat rooms and dating sites while dating you but he may have an innocent reason. He may just like to look. It's not all that different than your boyfriend checking out some hot mama on the street. Does he want to cheat on you because he's looking? No. It's just the way guys are. Now the chat rooms are a bit more worrisome than the dating sites. If he's talking to other women I wouldn't feel comfortable that his intentions are pure. But my suggestion is to ask him why he's using the sites and chat rooms. If you are satisfied with his answer and can live with it then all is well. If not, you have to give him a choice: it's you or the chat rooms.

Kelly Says:

How can he justify it, you ask? He can't. In my opinion, pursuing romantic, dating or sexual online relationships when you're in a partnership is a form of cheating, even if there's no actual skin-on-skin contact. It's like he's having mini emotional affairs or he's just keeping his options open in case "something better" comes along. This guy sounds totally insecure, like he needs the attention of more than one woman to feel good about himself. And his verbal abuse, of telling you you're psycho and paranoid, confirms he's not exactly the most loving of dudes. It also says to me that he's trying to control you, to make you feel badly about yourself so that you won't have the confidence to break up with him and find a more loving man. Get outta there, Bruised, and don't listen to him when he tells you his deceptiveness was caused by a lack of fulfillment on your part.