Weight Gain Pain

I am 57 years of age, and up until I was 50, I was told that I was drop-dead gorgeous. I gained a lot of weight due to medications that I was taking. I have lost some, but I still need to lose quite a bit. As a result of my increased weight, I am very self-conscious and I lack self-esteem. I'm nervous about meeting someone and being intimate with the person since I don't like my body. How many times would a man go out with a woman without any sex? Also, since I have been out of the dating scene for 10 years, what approach should I use to attract a man? Any pearly words of wisdom?

-- Patricia

Kelly Says:

You might as well travel to Tibet and become a monk until you're happy with the way you look. If you hit the dating scene now, you'll only attract jerks looking to take advantage of someone who lacks confidence. Listen to me carefully, Patricia. The fact that you're overweight has nothing to do with my recommendation to be celibate. It's all about self-image. If you don't believe you look good, no one else will either. So either work on shedding the pounds until you feel content with your looks or accept the weight gain and learn to be happy in your new bod. Either path produces the same affect: self-acceptance. And this contentment is infectious. It's this quality that attracts men to women like the hungry to all-you-can-eat buffets. Ohm.

Brent Says:

Changing body image is a serious issue for both men and women, Patricia. We invest so much of our self-esteem in our looks but often don't realize this until said looks start to change. The funny thing is that self-esteem comes from you. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." In other words, you aren't the passive recipient of esteem; you can choose to believe anything you wish about yourself. So your task is to do whatever it takes to get your head into a place where you are ready to meet men on your own terms. It may mean that you need to seek out some qualified therapy. Talk to your doctor about it and see if they can recommend someone in your area. Sex, dating and intimacy are very much governed by how we feel about ourselves. Do yourself a favor and learn to love yourself before you ask someone to do the same.

Boyfriend Wants Girly Girl

Why do men say they like a natural, down-to-earth kind of woman and then when they have them they try to change them into something else? I have that now. My boyfriend of 6 months likes that I'm a good mom, that I take care of the home, do the usual "woman duties," but he has a real problem with me not being girly-girl enough. I don't often wear make up; I'm not a skirt kind of gal. I don't go to the salon once a month to get fake nails and my hair done. But he met me the way I have always been and now he's nagging me about being a girly-girl. Maybe Brent has an answer for this one. I don't pretend to be something I'm not, why does he?

-- Patricia

Brent Says:

My pleasure, Patricia. What guys mean when they say that they don't like "girly-girls" is they don't want a girl who is high-maintenance, who is obsessed with her appearance, is over-reliant on her man and fussy about where she goes, eats and does. Guys want a down-to-earth girl with whom they can share experiences and interests and actually build a friendship. Now, I'm only guessing, but I think your boyfriend is saying that he loves your personality, he just wishes you'd put more effort into being sexually attractive. I know, men want it all. But you do have an opportunity here, Patricia. Tell him that you share his desire to be sexually attractive to each other, but for you to spend more time looking beautiful for him he will have to help you out around the house more in turn. You can't do both.

Kelly Says:

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Why the hell are you with him? What kind of sexist influence is he having on your kids? It's one thing for him to tell you that he likes you because you "do the usual woman duties," and it's another (and worse) to deem your own worth from that. What about choosing to be together out of love? Ironically, it sounds like you are happy with the person you are and don't have any intention of changing that for someone else. Hallelujah for that. So why tolerate the abuse? If he doesn't want to be with you for the person you are and have always been, he ain't worth your time. Tell him to go get a Brazilian wax and find someone else to mistreat.