Love Gambler

This girl I've been dating just admitted she has a gambling problem, and I'm worried she's after me for my money, to get her out of debt. I had no clue until now (it's been four months). How do you know for sure it's for love?

-- Tom

Kelly Says:

Frankly, you don't ever know for sure. You've got to trust your instincts. And really, everyone's got an issue, you know? Gambling addiction, weight insecurity, fear of commitment -- it's all baggage. Consider the following: Does she pay her own way some of the time when you hit the town? Is she paying her household expenses (ie: are the lights on and is the water running?) Has she asked outright about your savings or income? Does she seem out of your league in terms of looks and sophistication? If little red flags haven't gone off by now, I'm guessing she's in it for your meat, not your gravy.

Brent Says:

I think you have to watch for small signs. Asking you to pay for things here and there is fine; expecting you to pay for everything is a signal. Also, regularly asking to borrow money or asking you to buy her expensive gifts (which she can then sell and use the money to pay her debts) is something to watch for. But be careful that you don't overdo it on the suspicion front. She may have confided in you because she really likes you and wants to be honest about her problem. Or she may be looking for emotional support. I'd suggest talking to one of the many support groups for the partners of gambling addicts. They will have very specific advice on how to deal with the situation and what you might have in store if you decide to continue dating her.

Nervous About Seeming Desperate

I'm back on the dating scene after 16 years. I'm nervous and somewhat out of touch with what to expect. I've been told that I carry myself like a person who has someone. How do I put myself out there without coming off as desperate?

-- Desiree

Brent Says:

You probably don't seem approachable and may be giving off signals (even subconsciously) that suggest you're not interested. These might include crossed arms, turning your body away from people while sitting or not making eye contact. Author Tracey Cox's Superflirt is a great, quick read filled with tips about improving your body language for better dating results. It may shed some light on what you are doing wrong. In the meantime pay attention to how you walk around and interact with people. Being open both in your body positioning and in your facial expressions might help you seem less like someone who is taken.

Kelly Says:

I have no idea what it means to carry yourself "like a person who has someone." Regardless, the key to meeting new people is to get involved in regular activities with folks who have similar interests -- signing up for continuing ed, gym classes or even frequenting the same coffee house are good bets. The difference between appearing desperate and simply open to the possibility of meeting someone new is confidence. To come across as sexy and as a catch to others, you must show you've got some. If you're not happy with the person you are, why should anyone else be intrigued?