Partner's Profile Pending

I have been dating a guy now for one and a half years. We live 40 minutes apart, we both have professional careers, and we see one another almost every weekend. I have met his family, and he has met mine, including my children. He includes my kids in everything we do.... he is wonderful. One big problem for me is that he still has his profile up. I have told him before that this bothers me, as this is how we met. He tells me that he just chats... no big deal. But it is a big deal for me. What does this tell you?

-- Diane

Kelly Says:

It tells me he's not 100 per cent into you. It sounds like you and he enjoy each other's company, that he treats you well, and that you love each other. But how's the sex? Did you get that clenchy feeling between your legs when you envision him going down on you? Does he come onto you spontaneously sometimes and lovingly slow other times? Are you perhaps better suited as friends? Maybe he's kept his profile up for the reason he gave but there are plenty of other chat sites out there that cater to meeting people for not-romantic reasons. Keep in mind: you and your kids make a complete package. Maybe he's not ready for the whole shebang and wants to keep his options open. Why don't you create a temporary alternate identity profile, flirt your face off with him and try and pick him up. You'll know by his reaction if he's telling the truth about his platonic pastime.

Brent Says:

This sounds like a problem, Diane. Lavalife is a dating site. The women he's chatting with are looking for romance, relationships or sex. So what exactly are they chatting about? I'm pretty sure they're not exchanging recipes. Ask yourself this: if you'd met at a speed-dating session and he was still attending them "just to chat" what would you think? What about going to singles mixers at bars for the same purpose? Exactly. Chatting on Lavalife is no different. Basically, he has to fully commit to your relationship and if he's still flirting with other women on Lavalife, he isn't fully mentally committed.

Dirty Talk Desire

How can I get my partner to talk dirty to me? I talk dirty to him, and he seems to enjoy hearing it. I have tried everything I can think of to get him involved. But he will not utter one word. We have great sex, but there could be room for improvement. I am frustrated in some respects. Any suggestions?

-- Alaina

Brent Says:

It's not easy for everyone to talk dirty, Alaina. Some people are just shy about saying those things out loud. Luckily, it's a skill that gets better over time as you practice. I'd start by sitting him down and emphasizing how important this is to you and reassuring him that you can get better at it together. The easiest way for him to start might be using a script of things you'd like to hear. Start with a few short phrases that he can work into your session. As he gets more comfortable make the scripts longer and more involved. Encourage him to ad lib within the structure of the script and eventually he may become comfortable enough to start inventing dirty talk on his own. The other thing that may be holding him back is the worry that he'll say something that offends you. Reassure him that you won't judge whatever he says -- and be sure you're prepared to stand by that.

Kelly Says:

You may never be able to get him to talk dirty to you, Alaina. Not everyone feels comfortable talking about sex while they're having it -- by either confiding their sexual fantasies or by being creative and coming up with words they think their partner would like to hear. Have you told him outright, in a non-sexual moment, that you crave to hear him talk dirty to you, that it would enhance your pleasure? If so, and he hasn't done it yet, you may have to learn to get off at hearing your own voice while screwing. Or ask him to write his fantasies down in a letter and you can read it while you're making whoopie. "Dear Alaina. It made my cock so hard when I found out that you wrote in to Lavalife to tell them about our sex life..."