Unhappy Finish

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and we feel closer to each other than anyone we've been with. But there is a problem in the bedroom. As far as oral sex goes, it's great. But once we have sex he rarely gets off, even though he says he's about to cum. I'm his first -- so maybe he's just learning? I really love him and want to keep this relationship going, but I want to connect with him more during sex too. Help?

-- JJ

Brent Says:

I wish you'd told us what he thinks of this problem. My big worry about this situation is that he feels embarrassed or inadequate about not being able to finish. See, guys put a lot of stock in their sexual prowess, so he may feel that he's letting you down or that you don't think he's a real man. If so, it'll slowly eat away at him and will eventually undermine your relationship, no matter how healthy it is. You need to talk to him about the situation. Reassure him that you love the sex and finishing isn't really all that important to you. If it is bothering him, you could suggest visiting a sex therapist together. There may be a mental block keeping him from finishing or it could be a physical problem. I think it's a good idea for him to see a doctor or therapist in either case. If it is a physical problem it could signal underlying problems that need addressing, and it's better to get that taken care of earlier than later.

Kelly Says:

There's no mention of your own quest for the mighty O. I hope that means that you have no problem climaxing (and doesn't mean that you're only concerned about him getting off). The catch-22 with this kind of issue is that the more he worries about it, the more likely he is to continue having the problem. Overthinking it and stressing about a grand finale are real mood killers. As always, the key to a healthy sex relationship is cummunication, cummunication, communication -- talking about what turns his crank, asking him what you can do to enhance his experience, taking his cues even if they're just quiet groans or movements. If you've talked the issue to death already, consider the following. Ease the pressure he must feel by exaggerating the pleasure that you feel while having sex. If he understands you're in sensory heaven and that he need not worry about bringing you to climax, he may relax into it. Or take your lovemaking to a different setting-the car, the kitchen, the rooftop, the shower -- to break the routine. If these quick fixes don't do the trick, ask your GP for a sex therapist referral.

Ripped Rubber Riddle

I slept with a guy that I met at a club this past Friday. We'd flirted before, on other nights, so I kind of saw this coming. When I was cleaning up the next morning, I noticed that the condom had actually torn. I don't know how neither of us felt it. I'm going to go have tests done to make sure he didn't give me anything (it's been a while anyway). Should I try and find him to tell him about the torn rubber?

-- Cassie

Brent Says:

Yikes. That's a scary moment. Lucky you checked the condom. I assume no digits were exchanged since you ask, "Should I try and find him?'' That to me says that there was no intention of ever following up with a second get together -- you naughty girl. I'd just get the tests yourself and wait to see if you actually have anything. If not, then there's no need to troll Clubland looking for your one night man. If you do and it's a public health risk they'll likely ask you for his name, and I don't think, "Uhh, Frank, I think?" cuts it. By the way, congratulations for being so responsible with the whole testing thing. It's so easy to try and just ignore things like this and hope nothing is wrong, but you're doing the right thing. Good luck.

Kelly Says:

Glad to hear you had a horny-happy weekend. What do you think caused the torn condom -- a lack of lube? A past-prime prophylactic? Too much manly membership for your private club? You're smart to take the situation seriously and take yourself to the doctor. And you're kindhearted to take his health into consideration too. Wait and see what your test results reveal before rushing out and tracking him down. Unless of course you happen to grind into each other at the bar again this Friday. In which case, I'd fess up, and -- if you decide to dapple into a second round of pump-and-grinding -- be sure to be the one to provide the condom and be alert for a repeat ripping rendezvous.