Do the Disabled Have a Right to Love?

Is it fair to get involved (seriously) with someone if one knows he/she will become severely handicapped (such as diabetes & its long term effects), and will require a lot of medical attention? Taking it one step further, therefore "trapping" the potential mate into being a long-time nurse, even if that one is aware of and accepts the potential future existence?

-- Tim

Kelly Says:

Most people (including yours truly) would agree with Tennyson that, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Applying this mantra to your scenario, I don't think there's anything amoral about pursuing a relationship when you suffer from a serious medical condition that may one day render you helpless. As long as you are honest with your partner about the realities of your disease and what your future health needs might be, there's no reason not to go for it. Remember, different people pursue relationships for different reasons. For example, some people like to feel taken care of by a partner, while others feel best when they're doing the caring. Everyone is entitled to love. It's only fair, really, as we're all bound to encounter loss in some form or another.

Brent Says:

Nobody knows for sure that they won't require serious medical attention in the future. And how do you know that you won't make someone's life richer just by loving them? I'm sure Christopher Reeves' wife Dana never imagined taking care of him during his long paralysis. But she did, and when he died she had this to say about the experience: "Chris gave us all a precious gift by living the life he did, and despite the inherent difficulties of living with disability and illness on an ongoing basis -- or even, perhaps, because of the very nature of this life -- our family has remained happy, intact, focused, and deeply connected." So you aren't "trapping" someone into loving you. You're sharing your love with someone who needs it. Just be honest about your condition up front and let them make a decision for themselves. You deserve to be loved. Don't deny yourself the opportunity.

Ex-tremely Irrational Jealousy?

My boyfriend and his ex-wife are still close friends. At the beginning of our relationship, I saw this as a plus, since I have two ex-husbands who are difficult to remain civil towards. Indeed, my boyfriend has more than reassured me that they are truly "only friends" and his ex-wife has been very friendly and inclusive of me. It seems recently, as my boyfriend and I have gotten more serious (we moved in together and are on the verge of adopting a pet), I've been feeling more twinges of insecurity.

I see them talking across the room and can see them as a couple. I know she e-mails and chats to him many times during the week. Occasionally, he has slipped up and addressed her in an endearing term in my presence, which seems to upset me more than it would have earlier. I find it's become difficult for me to be together with them and sometimes feel like a third wheel. He's had other girlfriends in the past be violently jealous of his ex-wife, and I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I discussed some of these feelings with him, and he's very understanding, and we have made progress in setting some boundaries with our interactions with her to avoid most of the "weirdness" of their unique friendship. I also have mutual friends who have told me how she's still carrying a torch for her ex and that I should not trust her. I know she hasn't had any serious relationships after their divorce, and it does concern me that she may still be using the friendship as way to stay close to him. Is this just me becoming more possessive of my boyfriend, or could it be something more serious?

-- Suddenly Unsettled

Brent Says:

It's great that he's good friends with his ex-wife but if her presence is poisoning your relationship he'll eventually have to choose between losing a good friend and losing you. It's pretty telling that he's had other girlfriends who were violently jealous of this relationship in the past. One time is a fluke, but several times and now you? It sounds like either he or his ex are crossing some boundaries that are setting off your radar. And that may mean that deep down neither of them are over the other. But really that doesn't matter so much as what you need in the relationship. If you feel that the relationship can't flourish with the ex in the picture, tell him. Then, he can make his own decision. But you have the right to be the sole object of his affection. Don't sell yourself short -- demand what you deserve.

Kelly Says:

Your suddenly present feelings of jealousy are completely natural. As you and said dude start to move towards a more committed relationship, your heart aches for a deeper sense of security, to know that he's as into you as you are into him. You are subconsciously looking around for possible dangers that might threaten your existence as a couple. By the sounds of it, you don't have anything to worry about when it comes to your man. The fact that he has been supportive of you talking about your feelings and is game for setting boundaries is key. And really that's all that matters. The ex may very well have a thing for your flame, but that doesn't mean he's being unfaithful to you in spending time with her. And it doesn't mean that he feels the same about her. Keep relishing the joys of your new love, and don't get your knickers in a knot about the ex unless it starts to feel like their relationship is growing into something more.