Doozie of a Sex Drive Dilemma

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. I have a very high sex drive and he doesn't. I've tried to adapt and not hammer on the fact that I need sexual stimulation. I don't want to put pressure on him, but whenever I try to initiate sex or just oral sex he says he's not in the mood. I know he's not cheating on me. If I ask him about it, he gets upset and we end up arguing. I don't know how to handle this, and it's driving me crazy to a point where I masturbate after he falls asleep. How can I get him more aroused and more interested in sex?

-- Angel

Kelly Says:

I'm not surprised he gets futzy when you ask him about your differing drives: being the dude, he likely feels emasculated somehow because you want it more than he does. And being horny is... you know... supposed to be a guy thing. Have you considered the fact that he might actually want to get it on as much as you do, but he wants to be the one who initiates it, as in, being the dominator? Or it could be that now that you've had these talks, it feels to him like there's a lot of pressure to initiate and perform, and the stress of it all is actually decreasing the drive he does have. My advice would be to ease off a bit and let him make the next few moves so it feels to him like you're on equal ground. If things don't progress as much as you'd like, and you'd really like to stay with the dude, my next suggestion would be a sex therapist.

Brent Says:

Well, if you want to stay together you're going to need to address this issue. If you are driven to masturbate after he's gone to bed there's a danger that you'll increasingly find satisfaction in that and not with him. As this becomes the norm you might find yourself moving away from him emotionally or being drawn to fulfill those desires elsewhere. So, he has to talk to you about it. Try asking him why he is uncomfortable talking about it and see if there is another approach that would make it easier for him to talk. Tell him that you aren't judging him sexually, but rather this is about fulfilling you sexually. You might also seek out professional help from a third party like a professional counselor. But you have to deal with it before it goes any further and drives a permanent wedge between you.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I just started dating this girl I met online. After a few chats, we learned that we were at the same college together, and even had the same friends. She's a great person. We have been together for about a month now, have spent the night together a few times, and I have met her parents and friends. The more time I spend with her, though, the more I realize that I don't think it's going to work. What's the best way to tell her? Should I just be straight up with her, or should I let things slow down then tell her?

-- Jeff

Brent Says:

Are you seriously asking this question? Dude, if you don't think it will work, get the hell out of the relationship. I know you're probably thinking that letting it slow down will be less hurtful in the end but really it won't. You'll just end up delaying the inevitable, along with wasting both her and your time. You'll also likely treat her badly in the process because you resent being in the relationship and just want out. Basically, be a good guy and tell her what you're thinking and let her move on. She'll thank you for it in the long run.

Kelly Says:

The short answer is: Be honest and break it off now. It's the harder path to take but it's the right thing. By the sounds of it, you two have been moving into this relationship thing pretty damn quickly -- only a month and you've already met her 'rentals?! So going about a breakup in a passive-aggressive way by easing off the attention and hoping she understands your mixed messages will lead to more frustration and heartache overall -- for both of you, believe it or not.

There's nothing wrong with or hurtful about telling her all the things you've just confided to me. If there's no spark, there's no spark -- and that's all there is to it.