Ringing Her School Bell

I've always had this thing for girls in private school uniforms and I want to ask my girlfriend if she'll dress up for me so I can live out this fantasy. How do I approach her so she doesn't think I'm a crazy horndog?

-- Patrick

Kelly Says:

What you want to avoid is making your girlfriend think that you want to boink every girl in a school uniform who passes by. Better to tell her that you wish you had met her earlier in your life and, "Hey, I bet you were just as hot as a teen as you are now." Ask if she'd indulge you by dressing up in her school uniform. She'll likely understand the bigger picture, but she'll appreciate the gentlemanly approach. Be prepared, though, Patrick, to open up your old tickle trunk and get all gussied up in a tutu and point shoes to fulfill her personal fantasy.

Brent Says:

But you are a crazy horndog, Patrick. And that's a good thing. Your girlfriend should appreciate your desire to experiment and freshen up your sexual routine. Both men and women have rich fantasy lives, but they rarely have the courage to act them out. In fact, acting it out should be empowering for her -- at least that way she plays the starring role. I think what you're really worried about (it's the same problem many guys have with the schoolgirl fantasy) is her thinking that you're some kind of pedophile who lusts after underage girls. Don't worry. It's a pretty universal fantasy. You wouldn't act on it in real life, and (I believe) this fantasy is really a leftover erotic imprint formed in the male psyche at the moment of our sexual coming of age as teenagers.

If You Touch It, He Won't Come

I usually find it hard to reach orgasm during sex, so I've always just used my fingers to help things along. This guy I've been dating gets really turned off by it, though, and kind of insinuated that it's dirty. Now our sessions seem really awkward, and I'm not coming at all. What should I do?

-- Katie

Brent Says:

Well, sex isn't for pleasure, Katie. It's for procreation and servicing your man. Oh, I'm sorry -- that offends you? Then why are you putting up with this schmuck? A couple of things bother me here. First, if you've been having sex without orgasm for some time now and he hasn't noticed, you are either a really good faker or he doesn't care if you have one. If it's the latter, you don't want to stick around. Second, if he's turned off by you touching yourself (and I can't believe that, 'cause I'm turned on just picturing it), what future do you have sexually? Get used to spending the next 30 years flat on your back, bored and wondering what's for dinner. Here's an idea: buy him a copy of the Kama Sutra and tell him this is what he'll be missing out on, 'cause you're off to find a real man.

Kelly Says:

This Dark Ages dude obviously has an insecurity complex about his sexual abilities and thinks his pumping and grinding should be enough for you. Don't let him get you down. Self-touching during sex is super-hot. It not only indirectly teaches your partner exactly what gets you feeling hot and heavy; it also shows that you're completely in tune with your physical and sexual sides. Hear hear. If he's not interested in dating the Complete Katie, I say send him on his merry way. Better to spend some quality time getting reacquainted with Mr. Index Finger and Mrs. Pinkie. They've obviously missed you.