Illness Ignites Insecurity

I was diagnosed with an illness last year that affects my movement and makes me tired all the time. It cost me my three-year relationship, and now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be lonely anymore, but who wants a guy with no job or no money? PLEASE help -- I'm desperate for any advice you could give me.

-- Trev

Kelly Says:

It's not clear what words of advice you want to hear, Trev. Do you crave reassurance that you'll find someone to be with despite your medical condition? Tips on meeting people who will see you for who you are and not for the person your illness has made you? My guess is that, deep down, you want to hear that you're still worthy of being loved. It's what we all want, isn't it? People are naturally drawn to those who, first and foremost, love themselves. Perhaps you're finding it hard to meet someone because you haven't accepted your new condition as a reality, and that insecurity permeates your personality. People will see you as you see yourself, so rather than focusing on finding someone to love you and to keep you from feeling lonely as the guy with "no job and no money," why don't you spend some time coming to terms with your illness and steadily stoking your true strengths and spirit.

Brent Says:

My gut tells me that there is a woman out there for you. You just have to find her. So you're not the same person you were before. That's your new reality and you'll have to deal with it. It sucks, but there's no going back. I'm sure you've had many adjustments to make and this is one of them. First of all, try to find a support group that deals with people who suffer your particular illness. There may be one and it will help you get your life in order. You may meet other eligible singles dealing with the same illness, people who may be looking for someone that understands their issues. Get where I'm going? I guess my belief is that we all have advantages and disadvantages when it comes to dating and relationships. This is a serious one, but you doubtless have other amazing qualities to recommend you. Focus on those instead of the disadvantages and see where that takes you.

Hope for One-Sided Love?

I've been married for five years now, and I love my wife dearly. But I've fallen out of love with her. I'm a young man, and I don't want to be with someone that I don't think I truly love in this way. I think of her more as a friend than a lover. I'm not thinking of cheating on her or anything, I just want to be alone for a while. I tried to leave her once, and she was heartbroken. Her family thinks of me as one of their own. Leaving her will sadden her, which will sadden me. But I don't think it's fair to be stuck in a relationship where there is only one-sided love. What should I do?

-- Greg

Brent Says:

People fall out of love all of the time, Greg. And you shouldn't be with someone you don't love. It doesn't matter how it will affect her or her family. You have to be happy. But I would strongly suggest that you consider talking to a relationship counselor before you cut and run on your marriage. I don't know why you are unhappy, but often unhappiness in relationships stems from miscommunication and misunderstandings. Sometimes talking to an objective third party can make a world of difference. It would be a shame to throw away a five-year marriage without giving it one last shot. You chose to marry for a reason and if you don't at least examine why you've fallen out of love you may be doomed to repeat the same mistakes in your next one.

Kelly Says:

Relationships change over time, and so do our feelings for people. It's very common for sexual attractions to ebb and flow, sometimes morphing permanently from intense and constant erotic activity to something more akin to intimate cuddling. I mention this because I wonder whether you've attributed your decreased sexual stamina to a lack of romantic love for her (only you can answer that question). By the sounds of it, you two still get along well in the relationship otherwise. Is there anything you could change about your partnership that would change your feeling of "being stuck" with her? A marriage commitment isn't something we make lightly. Before you abandon all hope and make a move to leave her, I would think about the reasons you chose her over all others five years ago, and then make every effort to recapture those feelings. Talk to your wife about your concerns. Then talk to a relationship counselor together about ways to rediscover that spark.