Boyfriend Still Flirting With Infidelity

My boyfriend is still in contact with a girl I caught him having sex with. He says she doesn't mean anything to him and he loves me. But I know he still calls her. How can I get through to him that what he is doing is not OK?

-- Jazz

Kelly Says:

Forget about trying to get him to realize that he's being an ass, and start understanding that what you are doing is equally inexcusable. Letting a guy back into your bed after he's boinked another girl is like wearing a sign on your forehead that says "Walk all over me." You've got to muster up some self-respect, Girl. In forgiving him his unforgivable sins, you've basically sent the message that he can do whatever he wants with other lovers and that there will always be room for him in your life. Ditch that unfaithful schmuck and spend a few months on your own learning about yourself and nurturing your self-respect and independence. Then head back out into the world and don't settle for anything less than almost perfect. If you don't treat yourself like a lady, nobody will.

Brent Says:

Uhhhh, break up with him? Look, it's okay to forgive someone for cheating on you. That's a personal decision and it can work out if the cheater is sincerely contrite. If your boyfriend is still in contact with his fling, however, it doesn't really seem like he gets how much that hurts you. That forces me to the conclusion that he either doesn't care how you feel, or he's still digging the other woman (or both). In each instance you lose. I'd sit him down and try to explain how much it hurts you to know he's talking to her. Tell him that it's like reliving the betrayal over and over again. And, tell him that you can't help thinking that his commitment to you is less than total. Then, give him a choice: either cut off all ties with this woman once and for all or get the hell out of your life. I know it's not an easy thing to do but if he's not ready to invest in your relationship's success, in the long run you'll be better off without him.

An Ex-cruciating Situation

My ex and I have been split up for over a year after six years together. And it seems that every time I start to see somebody, she starts to show interest in me and I try to go back. Then she says we can't get back together because she is seeing someone else (although once she did come back to me for a bit). I love her, but I don't know what to do.

-- Antony

Brent Says:

In the words of the Beastie Boys, "...stick a quarter in your ass, 'cause you played yourself." Your ex's motives are so transparent I'm actually appalled that you need to ask this question. She obviously doesn't want you back -- she just doesn't want anyone else to have you. So every time it looks like you're starting a new relationship she sabotages it by holding out the reconciliation carrot. It ain't gonna happen, Antony. Trust me, I've seen this too many times before. Hell, I've even been involved in this drama. The best thing to do is to cut all ties with her. Don't call, don't email and don't drop by for visits. She's dead to you for the next six months. That will give you both the time to disentangle your lives and become your own people again -- and prevent her from fucking up your relationships. Tough medicine, but be strong. It'll work.

Kelly Says:

Is there something in the water? Why does everyone have such low esteem this week? Can't you see that she doesn't want to be with you, but that -- like many exes, male and female -- she doesn't want you to be with anyone else either? She knows the power she has over you and she's manipulating you into staying single so that you don't fall in love with anyone else and stop feeling enamored with her. She wants to be adored and loved, on a pedestal, but doesn't have any scraps of love to throw back to you. Move away from the pedestal, Antony. Unshackle your heart, turn and run in the opposite direction. You don't have to stop loving her (you may never be able to do that), but you have to stop communicating with her until you've moved on emotionally in your own life. Oh yeah, and buy bottled water from now on.