Illusive Exclusive

If you are dating someone and you have been intimate, at what stage can you ask if they want to be exclusive with you? How do you ask them without sounding pushy?

-- Donna

Brent Says:

Well, that's a personal decision, Donna. For some people having sex marks the transition from casual to steady relationships. For others, casual sex is not a reason for exclusivity. So you can't judge the state of your relationship by sex alone. It can signal a new phase of the relationship, but it's more instructive to examine your feelings for the other person. Do you want to take your relationship to a deeper level? If so, you need commitment and dating other people will surely be an obstacle. So, you can talk to someone about being exclusive at any point in a relationship. To avoid being pushy, rather than asking if they want to go steady, frame the conversation in terms of, "Where do you see this going?" But, be prepared to find that they may not be on the same page.

Kelly Says:

You've got to be a little more specific than you've "been intimate." Did you swap fluids or just phone numbers? Your hesitancy to describe the extent of your sexual experiences with said dude leads me to think you're not all that comfortable having relationship talks. So let's keep it simple, shall we? Next time you hook up (assuming you've hung out more than a dozen times), try to make a plan with him for something weeks or even months away -- a movie not yet released or a trip away when the weather gets unbearable. If he seems keen, you know that he pictures a future (even if it is short-term) with you. Knowing this will make it easy for you to simply come out and ask, "So, we're going to take this one step further and date only each other to see where things go?" Go on. Be bold. It's the only way to get what you want.

What Will the Ex Think?

I was recently dumped (to put it mildly) by my boyfriend of eight months. It has been a few weeks now, and I really don't know if it is unfair for me to go out on dates. I have had a few people ask me for coffee and haven't really responded yes or no yet. How do you handle getting out there again without hurting everyone?

-- Tina

Kelly Says:

No offense, Tina, but have you ever considered that your boyfriend of eight months ended the relationship because you weren't enough of a chase for him? That you smothered him in attention? Why the hell do you care about his feelings when he so rudely trampled all over yours? If it was me, I think I'd be behaving in ways that I thought might actually hurt the ex, to make him regret his decision to drop me flat. Accept those coffee offers if you feel you're truly ready to date again and wouldn't just be flirting to make yourself feel better at the expense of others (your question is somewhat unclear about who you're worried about hurting). Forget about the ex and focus on your needs and your life right now. It's time to do it up and regain your confidence: you'll never hold on to any boyfriend without it.

Brent Says:

I'm not sure why you are even asking this question, Tina. Your boyfriend dumped you and it sounds like it wasn't a nice parting. You don't owe him anything. He made his decision and wasn't concerned about your feelings when he did it. You are not a couple. You don't have to consider how your dating impacts him. Now, if you aren't ready to start dating, that's another thing. Be sure you aren't still hung up on your ex before you get out there or it may end up being you who gets hurt. (Alternatively, you may end up hurting others when you ultimately pull back at the first sign of any perceived intimacy). But, if you feel the time is right, go ahead and date. Have coffee. Have sex. Do whatever you want. And if that upsets the ex, well, he missed his chance, didn't he?