No Sex Makes Jon a Horny Boy

I'm currently in a relationship that, when it started two years ago, was passionate and thrilling. Around August of the first summer, she stopped wanting to have sex or any other kind of sexual involvement -- cold turkey, constantly making strange excuses as to why she couldn't. We went on vacation together (where she still didn't want any kind of sexual activity...) and I've been loyal to her for the last nine months, though without ANY sex. She won't tell me if it's something I did, and she claims she's not sleeping with anyone else. I've asked her if it's something I need to do to improve, and I'm met with comments like, "I don't want to talk about this." I've planned special evenings, romantic dinners, plenty of one-on-one times... but nothing seems to get her motor going anymore -- even though the emotional connection is still there. Is there something I should do? Or is there a piece of the puzzle I'm truly missing? I'm so confused but I don't truly desire to break up with her. I love every moment with her...I just really, really miss being sexual.

-- Jon

Brent Says:

That's pretty strange, Jon. Some decline in sexual interest in your relationship over time is quite natural but to go from 60 to zero is not normal. It sounds like you've tried to do all of the right things. You've talked it out, you've made efforts to be romantic and you've created alone-time together. And, it's nice to hear from a guy who is committed to the emotional side of his relationship despite the physical one being poor. She obviously knows something is wrong but can't talk about it. Unless you want to stay in a sexless relationship, you have to gently force the issue. Start by sharing your feelings. Tell her you love her and you don't want this relationship to end but that you need sex in the relationship. You can talk about how you both know something is wrong but don't seem to be able to communicate about the problems and you want to be open with each other about every aspect of the relationship.

If she still can't talk about it, suggest that you go and see a relationship therapist together. Having a third party mediate your dialogue may help her to open up about whatever it is preventing her from having sex with you. Whatever you do, Jon, don't lay any blame at her feet. Make sure you frame the discussion in terms of your feelings. And, if none of this works, I'm afraid you'll have to make the difficult decision to either end the relationship or stay in one which is ultimately unfulfilling to you sexually. Good luck.

Kelly Says:

Nine months is a long time and you have every right to be frustrated and confused by your relationship's lack of sexual activity. And you seem to have explored many possible reasons for her disinterest. I think it's clear that something is amiss. And based on the fact that you two used to be share fleshy fantasies, I'd guess there was an event of some kind -- a new birth control pill with different hormone levels, a stressful experience, (god forbid) a sexual assault -- that kick-started her change of behavior.

What concerns me is that she doesn't feel she can talk to you about it, which could mean she's embarrassed by or confused about how she feels, but it also suggests you two aren't communicating as well as you could be. Jon, you shouldn't feel ashamed about wanting to have sex, especially since it's something you shared together previously. You also shouldn't feel badly about demanding an answer about her current celibacy. She may say that if you love her, you shouldn't mind being patient; but if she loves you, shouldn't she know that you are entitled to an explanation? If you want to make the relationship work, then getting her to admit there's an issue is the next step, followed shortly by an appointment with a sex therapist or couples' counselor.