My Wife Won't Get Nasty

Some years ago I caught my wife having an affair that had been going on for over a year. Desperate to save our marriage, she agreed to answer all my questions and give me all the details. We've gotten past all that now, and in fact our marriage is probably stronger than it was previously. But one thing still bothers me. During her confessions she admitted to performing certain sex acts with him that she had previously refused to even talk about doing with me. She has never been able to explain why. I now find others reporting this as a fairly common phenomenon in affairs. Why would a woman do sexual things for a lover that she refused to do with her husband?

-- Alan

Kelly Says:

There is no scientific data out there suggesting that your situation is a common one, but many sexperts would agree that lovers in short-term flings tend to have different (often more experimental) sexual expectations than those in long-term partnerships. Cory Silverberg, certified sexuality educator and co-owner of Come As You Are (Toronto's popular sex toy, book and DVD store) says that extramarital encounters or even break-ups following long-term relationships can "give us a sense of freedom to try new things that we wouldn't otherwise feel comfortable trying in a long-term relationship." In your case, Alan, he suggests that there's a chance you and your wife had set boundaries for your sexual interactions at the beginning of your courting but that her sexual needs changed, just the way that sexual needs change from the time we're 18 to, say, 42. "Couples can get in a rut." There are lots of ways to expand you and your wife's sexual repertoire (including the sex acts she tried with her lover). Start by simply asking to try something new on the nookie front and -- if it feels like things aren't going as smoothly as you'd like -- seek out the advice of a sex therapist.

Brent Says:

Dude, you're right to feel pissed. I'd be pissed, too. I think you're basically feeling emasculated. My question is why you didn't insist on doing those things with her as part of your reconciliation? If it's still bothering you that much after all this time, I say ask her to do them. Tell her that it's affecting your relationship. It's nagging at you. If you don't deal with this it will eventually surface in a far nastier form (like you cheating on her). As to why she did it? The excitement of new love? Changing sexual appetites and a fear of talking to you about it? She always wanted to do them but just needed someone to ask her the right way? I don't know the answer but whatever the answer is doesn't matter. What matters is for you to deal with the issue and then move past it.

It's a Family Affair

Well, I got married but now I slept with his nephew. I've only been married for three months, and I don't know what to DO or how...

-- Wife

Brent Says:

Wow. You've just walked into a whole heap of trouble. Never mind that you've cheated on your husband. You did it with a member of his immediate family! I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the next family get together. Anyway, here goes. You first need to examine why you cheated on your husband after only three months. Do you really want to be married to him or are you trying to sabotage the relationship? If you do want to be married you have to deal with the situation. Normally I'd say be honest with your husband but if this comes out it's going to mess up his whole family so I'm going to advise silence. Sit the nephew down and tell him that this was a one-off thing. Tell him it will never happen again and that if he values his family at all he'll shut up about it and pretend it never happened. It's not a perfect solution and there's a huge risk of it blowing up in your face but I can't see any other way to save your marriage and his family.

Kelly Says:

That was a bit of a dumbass move, Wife. Maybe you have an insatiable appetite for guys. Or commitment to you means something on paper, not a state of mind. Perhaps you fell out of love with your now husband and you did something stupid to make him break up with you. Before you can decide how to proceed (specifically, to confess or not, and if your marriage is important enough to you to fight for), you need to put some thought into what led you to knock boots with the nephew of your betrothed. Who sought out who, what were you feeling as things were getting sticky, and afterwards? After determining your own motive, consider the bigger picture. There's a family on the line here too, not just your guilty conscious. Once you've put the effort into understanding how you came to be stuck in this situation and you consider the effects of your choices on the other people involved, it should become clear to you how to proceed. This is a big deal, you cheater you. Take it seriously.