Widow Worries

In 2006, after a 24-year marriage, I was widowed. I feel that I have adjusted to the grief (rather than 'gotten over' the loss), and I am ready to date. I have moved to a new town, have a new job and am making new friends. One of these new acquaintances says I should not tell any male prospects that I am a widow. I can see that no one needs a detailed description, but to be overly coy seems like denial and frankly it is my marriage that makes me hopeful and optimistic about my future. I hate telling lies but I don't want to scare anyone. Is it so scary to be a widow?

-- Marie

Kelly Says:

This acquaintance friend of yours sounds like a superstitious head-case. What could possibly be off-putting about being a widow? You've known love, you've learned to compromise and share a life with another person, and you're alone now not because of something you did but because your partner lost his life. I have friends who talk openly about their wish to meet and fall in love with a widow rather than hook up with someone who has no experience with the ups and downs of a long-term relationship. I think you are bang-on in feeling that "no-one needs a detailed description" of the suffering you endured. Also, your hopeful optimism about the fact that your past partnership has shown you the way to find joy in love again is an enlightened outlook that all singles should embrace. You don't think of yourself solely as a widow; your widowhood is merely one part of your whole. Let this be your guide in sharing your history with new love interests and you're bound to find happiness again.

Brent Says:

I've thought a lot about this one, Marie. It's interesting because there is an old-fashioned notion that widows are emotionally fragile, that they are still hung up and grieving over their husbands and thus any relationship with them is bound to fail. This notion is rooted in a time when women were defined by their husbands and marriages. Now, widows are likely to be vibrant and engaged in their lives. They have a wide circle of friends and interests and don't sit around mourning in black. I think men realize that. Here's what's interesting. Even though I personally know all of this, if someone asked if I wanted to date a widow it would give me pause. Not that I believe any of the old-fashioned nonsense, it just makes me worry. I'm sure I'd get over it and go on the date, but I guess what I think your friend is right about is that you might not want to position yourself as a widow. You shouldn't hide it, but don't let it define you. Perhaps you can say you used to be married, rather than you are a widow. It's the word that is loaded, not the notion. Of course once you are on the date it will come up. Don't hide it. It's part of who you are but going into the dating scene, maybe "widow" shouldn't be the first association people make when they think of you.

Her Friends say, "Go Away"

I've worked with a girl for six months but never asked out her because she had a boyfriend -- I don't like to be the third side of the triangle. Recently one of her friends told me that not only had she and her boyfriend "taken a break" but that the girl really liked me. So I took her out and we had a great night...we made out almost all night and ended up falling sleeping together (no sex). Afterwards, her other friends began warning me to back off because she was only on a break and was not looking for a new man. But the first friend still tells me how much she really likes me. I really care about this girl and don't want to lose her by trying too hard but at the same time I don't want to see her go back to her old boyfriend because I backed off too much. Please help.

-- Crimson

Brent Says:

Dude, why are you listening to her friends? Are they going to pass her love notes for you in math class, too? When you've dated in the past did you ask the other person's friends and family how they thought it was going after every date? So why do it now? She obviously likes you so let her tell you what she feels. I see two options. You can just keep dating as you normally would and see what happens. Or, if you are concerned that she is just using you to rebound, ask her. Tell her that you want to know what she's thinking, that you know the timing is weird and that, although you aren't asking for any promises, you just want to know what she is expecting from the relationship. That's an entirely reasonable request and it will clear the air between you. Remember, she may be worried what you think too. Finally, tell her friends that you appreciate their advice but you can handle things on your own. In other words: butt out.

Kelly Says:

This is a potentially messy situation and, to be honest, Crimson, I don't think you're ready for the complications any relationship with this girl would bring. It's possible she's using you as rebound material or as a ploy to get her on-a-break boyfriend jealous. One thing we know for sure: she doesn't pick her friends all that well. Why the hell are they telling you about her personal life and private feelings (accurate accounts or not), and do you really want your crush to be the subject of their next gossip spreading? My advice would be to back off completely and chalk up your night of sucking face to a one-night-stand. If you can't walk away at least wait a few weeks for the dust to settle on her current relationship before making your next move. If she's really worth all the hullabaloo and your love is meant to be, you'll have your chance yet.