Partner's Portliness Perturbs

I met my girlfriend on Lavalife and we've been living together over a year now. When I first met her, she was very thin; she said she just had a fast metabolism. But over the past year, she has gained over 30 pounds and now admits that she was too depressed to eat before she met me. We've talked about it and she agrees she needs to lose her "tummy," but I'm wondering why she didn't tell me about her eating disorder right away. Is it OK to not tell somebody about an eating disorder, and is it OK for either partner to "let themselves go" after finding their mate? I love her for who she is on the inside, but physical appearance does matter. She wouldn't like it if I gained 30 pounds. She would probably still love me, but I wouldn't expect her to find me as sexually attractive. That's just human nature. Please don't just dismiss me as being a superficial jerk; how would you feel if your mate kept gaining weight?

-- Allan

Kelly Says:

This is a weighty issue, Allan (sorry). You've asked lots of questions and touched on a bunch of points. You sound pissed off that she lied to you about her metabolism and eating disorder, misled you about her normal physical appearance, and that she doesn't look at hot as she used to. Fair enough. I can understand all those things, and you're mostly justified in those feelings. But the most important issue here isn't her bulgy belly and the way it embarrasses your ego. It's the fact that she has an eating disorder and/or suffers from depression and needs psychological help. If you want to help her -- really help her -- you need to get past the feelings you have about her weight and encourage her to seek professional help so she can treat the root of her problem, not the symptoms. Her path ahead won't be an easy or fast one. Are you up for the challenge?

Brent Says:

Congrats on the Lava hook-up. We love hearing that. I don't know that your girlfriend was dishonest about an eating disorder. It sounds like she didn't want to scare you away by talking about depression. As someone who has suffered from depression I can tell you that it is not an easy thing to talk about with loved ones. It is embarrassing (even though it shouldn't be) and something you tend to try and deal with on your own. As to "letting herself go," well, that's another matter. I agree that physical appearance is important. It doesn't make you a jerk that you want to feel physical attraction to your partner, it's very important. But here's the question you should be asking yourself: "Do you want to make the relationship work or are you just looking for a justification to dump your girlfriend?" If you want to make it work, I'd suggest finding physical activities that you can do together like joining a gym or biking or rock climbing. You get the idea. Make keeping fit something fun and positive that you do together. If you're looking for the easy out, I won't give it to you. You'll just have to admit that you don't want to date a fat girl and take your lumps when you tell her.

May/December = Cool/Not Cool?

I met this great man at work. He asked me out and we have had three wonderful dates. No sex yet but lots of wonderful chemistry. We have a lot in common, many of the same interests and values. I asked him how old he was on our third date and found out he was 11 years younger than me! I am 55 and he is 44. I honestly thought he looked older than that, though he knew from co-workers how old I was. He says he really likes me and the age thing does not bother him. I'm very concerned that if this develops into a relationship, the age difference might be a problem down the road. I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt. What are the chances of a relationship like this working out long term? I know that if the tables were turned and he was 11 years older than me there would not be an issue.

-- Wondering

Brent Says:

Aren't you putting the cart before the horse, Wondering? No one can guarantee that any relationship will work out for any number of reasons, age being only one of them. By focusing on the age gap at such an early stage you may just kill it for something that isn't even a problem. I guess I'm saying that the chances of your relationship working out long-term are as good as any other relationship that has existed for a grand total of three dates. Take a breath and give it a chance to develop. If you can't sit back and enjoy it for what it is then ask him if he sees the age creating any problems for the relationship in the long-term. The risk you're taking is scaring him off because he thinks you are getting serious too fast. To avoid this, frame it as something you want to address before things go too far between you.

Kelly Says:

Every relationship has its challenges -- differences in age, race, physical ability, income, sex drive, leaving the cap off the toothpaste. There is no perfect union of individuals. This coworker knew you were older before you started dating, so what makes you think he's going to develop an issue with it later on or let what other people think about your May-December affair affect how he feels? Maybe dating more mature women is his thing, just like dating men who have big hands and strong fingers is my thing. The bottom line in love is that we are all afraid of getting hurt. But that's no reason to stop living and taking risks in romance. If you're having fun and there's loads of chemistry between you, stick with it.

This Girl Just Wants to Have Fun

I'm dating several guys right now... Do I have to tell them? Or am I safe at least till I'm exclusive with someone? I'm new to dating. I was married and am now getting back out there. What's the etiquette?

-- Stacey

Kelly Says:

It's refreshing to hear from someone who's jumping back into the dating pool after marriage and doesn't need a life jacket. This is hot stuff, Stacey. If all these dudes know you're in it for the fun, and if your feelings wouldn't be hurt if you found out they were also dating multiple singles, then there's no harm done in carrying on your merry way until you decide to go exclusive. Frankly, it's probably your easygoing, open attitude about simply wanting to have a good time (and not harping on finding The One in each date) that's attracting all the testosterone in the first place.

Brent Says:

Stacey, you naughty minx. There's nothing wrong with dating several guys at once although it definitely increases the risk of awkward coffee shop run-ins. The only time you shouldn't be dating more than one person is when you are in an exclusive relationship. The problem is knowing when you have crossed the line. Short of wearing his school football jacket asking him to go steady, you really have to feel it out because the lines are different for everyone. Usually, if you've been dating regularly for more than a couple of months, there is an implication of exclusivity. Another sign: when the weekend date becomes assumed. But there are so many signs that if you're not sure it's best just to state your intentions outright. Either, "I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship," or the famous, "I just want to keep things casual/let's not move too fast" speech.