Twice Cheated

My husband of many great and sexy years confessed to me that he had had several affairs and had been Internet "dating" as a single guy for years. I forgave him and we entered into a great honeymoon phase of our life. Until last week. Something led me to discover he had placed an ad looking for a woman to date "and more." When I confronted him he was humiliated and devastated. Should I forgive him again? How can I ever trust him after this?

-- Linea

Brent Says:

Linea, I don't have much hope for your husband. He sounds like a serial cheater. However, if you really do want the relationship to succeed consider why you forgave him the first time. I assume because you thought the relationship was worth saving? Often people think that cheating will destroy a relationship but find that it only makes them stronger if they can figure out why it happened in the first place. Sometimes it starts with them talking about things that have been driving them apart. Maybe you didn't use the first occasion to talk about this and just forgave him outright. If so, the problems may still be there unspoken. So, if you really want it to work, tell him that he has to attend relationship counseling with you before you decide if you are willing to stay with him. But beware: If he is just an unrepentant cheater, even this will not solve the problem.

Kelly Says:

The short answer? You can't trust him.

There are millions of us out here who have made the same mistake you have: Forgiven the unfaithful and convinced ourselves the worst was behind us. But in doing so, we have sent the message to the culprits that it's OK if they fool around on us 'cause we'll take them back when they're through (or caught in the act). And out they go again to frolic in the fields of fleshy flirtatiousness. Mind you, not all guys and girls who mess around behind their partners are repeat offenders, but most are. And your hubby is certainly one of them. Assuming there are no kids to consider, get out of that relationship while you still can. And don't talk yourself into doing otherwise.

The First Move Groove

There is one thing that I've been curious about ever since joining Lavalife: How many women make the first move on the site? I ask because my experience of having to fill the traditional role of "initiator" is echoed by some of my friends, including a few who are arguably better looking, more accomplished and even better paid than I. So, do women in the 21st century still expect the men to come calling (or clicking via a website)? Also, is it as true in all three sections of Lavalife? Finally, as a corollary to the above, do the type of "shopping lists" that fill many women's profiles work for men or are they expected to be the only ones who must "sell" themselves without making requests of their own?

-- Tim

Kelly Says:

All good questions, Tim. Unfortunately, the only statistical information I can share with you here is that men do send more messages than women. But the site also boasts a slightly higher male-to-female ratio (60/40), and so it's hard to know whether that difference is reflective of the users' demographic or whether men really do reach out to women more than the other way around. If I had to choose sides, however, I'd agree with you that a lot of women wait for the man to make the first move -- but I'd call it more of a wish than an expectation. And this applies to both the online scene and the public arena.

Many women simply like to take stock of the interested parties and go from there. Or they fear that initiating contact implies they're desperate for a dude or somehow slutty. There are plenty 'o guys out there who feel this way about first-move mamas. Another clue that leads me to agree with you is that men get more of a thrill out of the chase than women. Which would lead men to reach out to a greater number of women, including those that maybe fall outside of their league, but which tilts the scales nonetheless. If you're tired of waiting around for a proactive princess, why not do something about it? Rather than just furrowing your brow in confusion, be proactive in another way, and add a preference to your profile that says you're the sort of single who seeks a seeker.

Brent Says:

So, Kelly gave you the figures. Actually, they are surprising to me. I would have expected that men statistically sent more messages than women. What they also don't tell you is if women or men make the first move -- women may be sending more messages to men with whom they are involved on Lavalife, even though they don't make the first move. My sense is that women still want men to make the first move. I think it's part of a whole romantic notion of being swept off of your feet. However, on Lavalife I think this is probably not as pronounced because the men and women who come here have decided to take dating matters into their own hands and thus are more willing to make that first move. Also, I think that the anonymity of the online experience takes some of the sting out of rejection.