If you and your paramour are making plans for a public future together but nothing ever seems to really develop on this front, you may the victim of a player. It's common for men in affairs to complain of psycho wives or physical ailments that require them to stay put -- or of psycho wives with physical ailments. And of course, we must think of the children. All may be just excuses to avoid leaving his safe situation.

 

Editor Victoria Zackheim's superb collection of essays on the subject of the Other Woman offers first-hand perspectives from both the cheaters and cheated-upons in this situation. In her piece "The Mistress," author Dani Shapiro (commenting on her role as the Other Woman) writes,

 

"Here, in no particular order, are some things Lenny told me: that he and his wife didn't sleep in the same bed; that they hadn't had a 'real marriage' in years; that she was undergoing electroshock treatment in a clinic outside Philadelphia; that he had cancer and had to fly to Houston three days a week for chemotherapy…."

 

 "Years later -- now -- I hold Lenny's lies up to the light and examine my own reasons for believing what, in retrospect, seems preposterous."

 

You may feel that you are playing a waiting game and be tempted to jumpstart his departure from the other relationship. But giving him an ultimatum and expecting him to leave or commit to a timetable is unrealistic and often leads to disappointment. Besides, demanding that he choose between you and his wife gives him all the power.

 

Decide if you are happy playing the Other Woman role. If not, hit the high road. The bottom line is that you can only control yourself; changing his outlook or coercing him into action is out of the question. Emerald tells Other Women to ask the following tough question of themselves: "Are you ready for the consequences of an ultimatum? An ultimatum presupposes that you will follow through on your end of things. If you know you cannot leave, delivering the ultimatum will backfire in one important way: your feelings about yourself."

 

Despite the dizzying excitement your surreptitious relationship may bring you, expect the lows to be equally precipitous. One minute you bask in the sun of his attention, the next you are forced to sneak around like a criminal when suspicions are aroused. These ups and downs can wear on you.

 

"All relationships have their challenges, you know?" says 37-year-old friend "Nancy" in Toronto, who's been the Other Woman twice. "But being the Other Woman is so much crazier. Your feelings are all over the place… and always in the extreme. It's a bit like being addicted to drugs, always wanting more -- more time, more love, more attention."

 

Despite the entertainment value of watching celebrities jump in and out of relationships like Oscar gowns at an after party, our society generally frowns upon women pursuing relationships with married men. The double standard is, of course, that it's these men who are committing adultery, not their mistresses. This moral disapproval translates into a sense of isolation for many Other Women. Friends and family may not stand for your relationship, which means there may be a smaller support network of confidantes. As well, married counterparts often have time commitments and responsibilities to their wives and/or families, so you'll often feel isolated as you wait on the sidelines for the attention and time you crave.