But people change over time and if you're going to spend years with the same person you're going to want different things. You don't watch the same television shows over and over again for 40 years. You might not have the same taste in books now that you had 10 years ago. You don't still wear the same ridiculous platform shoes you wore in 1998.

So why should we be expected to do the same things in bed over and over again, right? But the problem then is you have to ask for what you want and most of us are simply not comfortable doing that. (Might I recommend drinking? Or maybe finger puppets...)

Silverberg says, "With our partners we are often much more worried about judgment. If I'm going to have a one-night stand, what do I care what that person thinks of my fantasy about wearing a dog collar or having sex with my ninth grade math teacher? Whereas exposing those fantasies to my partner who I'm thinking about building a life with and whose family I've met might feel like a greater risk."

Interesting. After all, one might think that if you're going to talk to anyone about your sex life it should be your partner, the person you supposedly share the most with in this area and the one person who would, hopefully, not judge you. It's the person who has seen you in all sorts of states of vulnerability.

Well one might think that but one would probably be wrong. Silverberg says, "We can assume that most of us feel some shame about our sexual desires. Exposing something that I feel shame about to someone I've opened my heart to is a big deal.

"If I expose my fantasies about being dominated and wearing a dress to a total stranger, the worst that can happen is they can say no. But for a partner to say no can feel like a bigger rejection.

"They might just be rejecting the idea of having sex with me while I'm wearing a dress but I can feel that as a rejection of me as a whole person. So, there's a greater emotional risk and a greater practical risk. So, we don't do it. Instead when we look for newness, we go out and we cheat."

We cheat because we're chickenshits, which makes perfect sense.

"We have this incredibly untapped well of eroticism inside of ourselves," Silverberg continues. "We have all sorts of fantasies and desires we don't expose to anyone. And that's really what we should be doing. But we go the safe route because we're scared."

And so we cheat. It's AMAZING how many people cheat.

One way to avoid this is to have some sort of discourse. If you're going to be in a monogamous relationship for a long time you're going to have to check in once in a while.

"Hey, is that thing I do with my tongue still working for you?"

"Actually, I'm glad you asked. Not really. And I was wondering if you'd mind putting on these boxing trunks and this mouth guard..."

See how easy that was?

If you're NOT in a relationship, there's no real reason you can't keep having (SAFER!) sex with random people. But you might eventually find yourself wanting more. After all, sex isn't the only relationship first. There's the first time you kick his sorry ass at Trivial Pursuit, the first time you laugh until you pee (just me?), your first vacation, first place together, first kid... life is full of firsts.

You might find that, after a while, random sex gets old, even if it's always with someone new.