Sept. 5
Now this is what I call a headline: Mom clocked at 101 km/h in school zone
And people say kids today are nuts. The accompanying completely-awesome-in-a-terrifying-way story (as reported in the Toronto Star) should give pause to toddlers everywhere.
"A Toronto mother has been charged with street racing after police spotted a car driving through a school zone at more than 100 km/h. Police say the woman was driving a Volvo yesterday morning just after 8:30 a.m. near a school and daycare when she was pulled over. If convicted [of street racing], she faces a fine of between $2,000 and $10,000.
"The woman told officers she was on her way home to pick up her son and take him to the daycare, said Toronto police Sgt. Tim Burrows. The incident occurred during an annual safety campaign in which Toronto police try to raise road users' awareness of children returning to school.
"At 101 km/h, a car moves at just over 28 metres per second and would not stop under full braking for another 53.54 metres, said Traffic Services Sgt. Steve O'Donovan.
O'Donovan estimated that it would take about 95 metres - roughly equivalent to the length of a football field - for a car travelling at that speed to come to a complete stop."
Look out Junior, Mrs. Smith over there driving the Volvo has to drop little Timmy off at daycare en route to the beauty salon 'cause those toes aren't going to pedicure themselves.
Jesus H. Christ. Honestly, there is just so much wrong with this story - mom, Volvo, school zone, 8:30 am, safety awareness campaign... anyone searching for credible evidence that women, too, can be ass clowns need look no further than this.
On a more positive note, some big Big BIG and totally righteous changes in the wings for your beloved Click Magazine next week. Better look, better functionality, snappier URLs ('cause the kids care, right?) and a brand spanking new, insanely readable Film Sommelier added to our usual fabo roster of dating, relationship and sex stories, advice columns, horoscopes and much more. Go on - dare to imagine! And be sure to check back next week.
Swinging? Maybe not so much
Sept. 2
Sorry but I just can't resist -- would-be Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's teen daughter is preggers. Ha!
So barring divine intervention, one may reasonably assume that the 17-year-old Bristol Palin not only had sex before marriage (gasp!) but had unprotected sex (double gasp!!) at that. She may have even enjoyed it. Family values huh?
What a bunch of dorks. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the most pious among us are always the ones with hidden skeletons. Ms Palin's redneck tendencies are bringing her up short. If she were a more decent person, we'd let this sort of thing slide (after all, we love sex!).
But live by the sword, die by the sword. From disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer (see also Senator Larry Craig and a host of others) to wacky, drug-and-dick-lovin' evangelical Ted Haggerty (see also tit-lovin' shamed televangelists Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart et al) the list just goes on and on and on...
These are almost always the same folks who pedal such thigh-slappers as homosexuality is amoral and a choice and affairs outside the marriage only happen to other people. Sinful people. Um... right.
John McCain and the Republicans got what they deserve. And here's a juicy tidbit on Levi Johnston, the intellectual giant who done knocked up Bristol Palin, courtesy the New York Post. Go breeders! We need more just like you!
What else.... last week we asked Lavalife members if they had ever faked a crisis to end a date? Of roughly 4,300 respondents, exactly 50 per cent said yes and 50 per cent said no -- and we almost never get an exactly even split on those polls.
I'm not sure what that means except the next time some dude tries to beg off mid-date claiming a sick aunt or similar, there is at least a chance he may be telling the truth. Or... you know... not.
In other Lavalife poll news (sorry, slow day), when asked "who should direct your bio-pic," 37 per cent said Steven Spielberg (presumably seeking that feel-good storyline) while 34 per cent voted for the shoot-em-up sensibility of Quentin Tarantino and only 29 per cent voted for the sharp-shooting hilarity of Woody Allen.
Perhaps that helps explain why so few people in this world are genuinely funny...
Finally, when asked if partner swapping is cool, creepy or not sure (based on a swell new Click story, Swinging: A Beginner's Guide) a resounding 46 per cent said creepy (27 per cent each voted 'cool' and 'not sure') thus suggesting for all the hype and prime time TV attention vis-à-vis the show Swingtown, swinging remains more fantasy fodder than actionable pastime. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
And the guy who voiced a gazillion Hollywood movie trailers, Don LaFontaine, is dead at 68. R.I.P. buddy. Best career ever huh? All the dough and all the perks and yet absolute total anonymity and none of the tabloid bullshit. And he could go to work in his pajamas. That's what I call a dream job.
Serious thoughts... for once
Aug. 27
With Labor Day bearing down on us -- a calendar milestone as any student can tell you -- we are prompted once again to take stock of where we are in our lives.
Did the summer season -- easily the sexiest of them all -- bring new love, new friends or a snappy new job? Or did it simply shuffle past without fanfare on a slow train of day-to-day routine? Or worse -- there was an absence of routine, usually the domain of the currently unemployed, convalescing or suddenly single.
Not to be pessimistic but seriously... despite all the so-called time-saving technological gadgets at our fingertips, no one I know of claims to have more time at their disposal now than their parents or grandparents did.
In fact, most people would argue just the opposite; they have less time to sip Mint Juleps while sitting on the front porch and shooting the breeze with the kin folk the way Grandpappy and Grandmamma did back in the day.
And forget Crackberrys and microwave ovens -- the grandfolks didn't even have electric clothes washers or... gasp... air conditioning. And yet...
So what gives? No bloody idea here though I'd be keen to hear from anyone with a theory. Perhaps the answer is more conceptual -- we place such a huge premium on the finish line that we forget to enjoy the relay towards it.
A recent Lavalife poll asking whether people thought dating today was easier or harder than in their parents' era might hold the clue. Of the nearly 5,000 men and women surveyed, a decisive 58 per cent said it's harder now while 26 per cent answered that it's easier now (thanks Internet!) and 16 per cent said "not sure."
God knows people generally dressed better in olden times (men in suits wearing hats... swoon!) than they do today. But there exists today a degree of cynicism about relationships working or not working that's palpable if not measurable as well.
For example, another recent Lavalife poll asked singles about signing pre-nups; as in, would you insist your would-be spouse sign one before marriage?
Nearly half of 5,000 respondents surveyed (46 per cent) said a prenuptial agreement is absolutely necessary when tying the knot.
Interestingly, when that same question was put to an older age group (age 45 and up) on mature dating site LavalifePRIME, a whopping 68 per cent said a pre-nup wasn't for them. Maybe because they've already lost all there was to lose in a previous divorce... but go figure.
Something to ponder this Labor Day.
Goods Aplenty & Requisite Rage
Aug. 25
Today, August 25, has to go down in history as one of the wildest, astrologically speaking, on record.
Check this out - born on this day (in various years of course) are 007 actor Sean Connery (78), achy-breaky singer/songwriter and Miley Cyrus baby-daddy Billy Ray Cyrus (47), Edward Scissorhands/Beetlejuice/Sweeney Todd film director Tim Burton (50), musician and (blech) Diana Krall hubby Elvis Costello (54) and... wait for it... gadfly talk show host Regis Philbin (77).
Seriously, how bloody nuts is that? Answer: very.
Speaking of astrology, if I had a dollar for every time somebody came up to me and said, 'Wow, those horoscopes on Lavalife and Click Magazine are, like, totally eerie-accurate,' I'd be retired by now. And not writing blogs for the great unwashed, that's for sure.
New York City-based astrologer, numerologist and all-round wonderful person Cheryl Lee Terry has an uncanny knack for reading the planets and putting into specific words what those readings reveal. Her column can be found here; meantime, some highlights:
Virgo
Your ruler Mercury and career guide Venus are snarling at unforgiving Pluto this week, putting you on edge and making a misunderstanding seem more complex or annoying than it actually is.
Sagittarius
Normally charming Venus and verbal Mercury are goading grouchy Pluto this week. As such, you could have a recurrence of "foot-in-mouth" disease.
Pisces
The cosmic advice for the week is to stay out of it, whatever "it" is.
Another fantastic new read on our Click site comes courtesy of writer Lisa Daily, who interviews an author who claims you can learn everything you need to know about someone's dating style by the type of shoes they are wearing. Fad science maybe but an interesting read nonetheless. Check out What Their Shoes Say about their Dating Style right here.
Also, judging by current shows on network prime time TV and rulings by the Supreme Court of Canada, swinging is in, baby, and it's here to stay! Wondering what the swinging rulebook advises and the best way to dip a tentative toe into the so-called lifestyle? Check out Lola Augustine Brown's Swinging: A Beginner's Guide.
Also, with back to school merely a week away, our pals over at Nerve.com turned to Art Students for answers to such pressing questions as "Using art supplies during sex: lots of fun or not worth the mess? and "After I've come all over a girl, what's the proper etiquette?" God forbid you make a misstep on that one... the full article appears here.
Finally, German cinema is alive and well -- honestly, some of the best titles I've seen in the last couple of years have been German (maybe it has to do with suspension of disbelief since European actors tend to look like real people whereas Tom Cruise and Will Smith are always Tom Cruise and Will Smith to me no matter what script they're reading from).
Anyway, another gem in the German celluloid canon is a tiny, perfect suspense flick called The Lives of Others which just happens to pair perfectly with German-grown Riesling wines. In the words of the semi-great comedian Dana Carvey, how convenient... read all about it right here.
Summertime Blues? Yes, actually...
Aug. 18
Either I am in the thick of an existential crisis or it's mid-August and I don't have -- nor have I had so far this summer -- any notable vacation plans designed to fete the loveliest of seasons while relaxing/recharging me and reminding me of the reason why I haul my sorry ass out of bed at 6:30 every morning. To ride a bus. To work. At a desk.
A recent article in the Globe & Mail newspaper's Careers section suggested that we snooze during the dog days of summer at our peril (read Summertime, and the brain is mushy). Admitting it is one thing, combating it quite another.
After all, it's the old work-to-live, live-to-work debate often cited as a telling example of the lifestyle divide between North Americans (who comprise the live-to-work camp) and Europeans (work-to-live).
In fairness, North Americans would probably find it much easier to enjoy life if they had the same generous paid vacation schedules as their Euro-brethren (eg: six weeks paid vacation annually in places like Switzerland and minimum five week in France).
But surely even a paltry two-to-three weeks, when properly leveraged, can produce similar results of health, wellness and the like. Maybe even love and dating success (whoa little lady, don't go getting all crazy on us.)
It's just that as the evenings start getting darker earlier, moment by agonizing moment, it's too depressing to believe another summer is ending. And that soon, very soon, it'll be dark at 5 pm and TV and a blanket will start looking like reasonable substitutes for human companionship and actual physical activity. Vodka, however, will remain unchallenged as a daily well-spring of hope, sustenance and life.
Sad in advance? Yup, that's me. Changing seasons as a metaphor for life? They don't call them clichés for nothing. But you catch my drift.... And here's a cruel reality-check: two weeks from today is LABOR DAY!! (Though not in Shelbyville, Tenn. interestingly....) Official end of summer. Official back-to-school pre-cursor. Autumnal kicker-offer-er. Shudder, sniff, cough.
Maybe if everyone in North America just arbitrarily didn't show up for work tomorrow, employers would be forced to rethink this lame-ass two-week holiday schedule thing. Or fire us all, in which case we'd all have loads of time to get drunk in the afternoon the way God intended. If only some heroic blogger could plant the seed among the great unwashed by suggesting such subversive action. Oh wait...
New Flash: Some great new stuff of the site this week. Nick Krewen proves (almost uncomfortably, truth be known) that our parents or primary care-givers inevitably end up as our role models for what we seek in romantic partners. Icky but true if you believe his cleverly named piece, An A Parent Attraction.
Also new and funny as hell: Sex Advice from Kayakers. And some good news for Libras, less good news for Scorpios and so-so news for Geminis and Leos. Plus the hands-down craziest sex and dating question, like, ever to our advice columnists Kelly and Brent. And what to drink with Johnny Depp, Jodie Foster, Will Smith and others. If that's not a reason to live, I'm not sure what is...
Divorced? Blame the Pill
Aug. 15
This just in... the reason behind escalating divorce rates has been solved! It's not money issues or odious in-laws, sexual discrepancy or growing apart.
It's The Pill!
A story in yesterday's Globe and Mail reports, "A woman taking the Pill is more likely to choose a man who is genetically wrong for her because of her altered perception of his odour, according to new research.
"A British study says women are naturally attracted through their sense of smell to men who are genetically dissimilar to them. It's a way to diversify the gene pool and produce children who, for example, have stronger immune systems.
"It's due to a group of about 140 genes in an area called the major histocompatibility complex that plays a key role in odor through interaction with skin bacteria. But the hormones in the Pill can alter a woman's ability to sniff out a suitable mate and make her feel more attracted to men who are genetically similar. Oversimilar gene profiles can result in difficulty trying to conceive, an increased risk of miscarriage and a weaker immune system, earlier research has shown.
Furthermore, the new study says, if the woman stops taking the Pill, it could lead to "partnership breakdown" when she realizes she has chosen Mr. Wrong."
Which presumably means women living in poorer countries without access to oral contraception have happier home lives and healthier children than those in western nations. Well that explains a lot.
On the plus side, we have highly forgiving Gap jeans and Chanel perfume which evens the playing field somewhat. And, oh yes, fewer pesky brats to deal with which, come to think of it, is almost worth enduring a divorce for... but perhaps that's just me.
Meanwhile, in the ever-riveting fairyland of "Who's Jennifer Aniston dating now" we get this nugget from the Chicago Sun-Times (what, no wars, forbidden sexual dalliances or dodgy real estate transactions worth covering?) The answer, apparently, is nobody... especially wildly self-aggrandizing recent squeeze, John Mayer.
"Apparently, Aniston gave Mayer a 'three strikes and you're out' ultimatum -- after learning about his 'quickie' flings with a cocktail waitress and a promoter's assistant for his concert tour.
"That was two strikes. Another dalliance, with a groupie, was the final straw for Aniston.
A longtime major Hollywood studio exec -- and good Aniston buddy -- adds this: 'Above everything else, Jennifer is looking for stability and loyalty in a relationship. She still is hurting from losing Brad [Pitt] to Angelina [Jolie] -- even after all this time.'"
Oddly, at the beginning of the relationship, Aniston reported that she loved the smell of John Mayer in the morning and that condoms (not the Pill) were, like, totally rad, so go figure.
When Stars Die...
Aug. 12
Ever notice how celebrity deaths tend to come in threes? With the sudden passing of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (R.I.P.), you have to wonder whether Golden Girl Estelle Getty formed the third in the Hollywood Death TriumvirateTM or if Wesley Snipes is feeling nervous.
One thing is certain: Morgan Freeman's ass is in a church pew somewhere right now (he survived a car crash recently... remember? Jeez, tough crowd). We wait with bated breath. Now onto more gratuitous stuff...
You really ought to read writer Sarah Rowland's First Vacation Dos and Don'ts -- an excellent and very compelling argument against taking a holiday with your new squeeze until after reaching at least the six-month mark as a couple.
Take it from us -- disasters are much easier to handle on home turf than in rickety airports in Guam with a mango down your pants and a belly full of rum. I know whereof I speak about this one, kids.
Also new and notable is Shawn Conner's Nightly Nookie - Romance Rescuer? which discusses two recent books by writers who decided to combat their lackluster sex lives by having sex with their partners every day for a year (in one case and 101 consecutive days in another) whether they felt like it or not. And by golly, it actually worked! Suddenly, marriage seems like less of a death sentence than it did before.
And kudos one again to the great poet and cultural critic Lynn Crosbie (oft-celebrated on this blog) who, though no fan of Madonna, gives her whiny, petulant, snotty-nosed, money-grubbing brother Christopher the swift ass-kick he deserves for his so-called tell-all about his sister. Read Crosbie's fabulously headlined Globe & Mail book review, "Material girl, according to immaterial brother," by clicking here.
Admittedly, Madonna is of late looking a little... ahhhh.... surgery-damaged (zombified, surely!) lately but Christ she's turning 50 on Saturday! Let's let it go, people. Deep breath then let it go.
File this headline under Really Bad Publicity: '40-Year-Old Virgin' actor Shelley Malil arrested in stabbing' The Associated Press reports:
"An actor who appeared in The 40-Year-Old Virgin has been arrested for investigation of attempted murder after his former girlfriend was stabbed more than 20 times, leaving her critically injured, authorities said Tuesday.
Shelley Malil, 43, was arrested Monday in Oceanside when he got off a train from Los Angeles, Lt. Phil Brust of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department said in a statement. Malil had come to Oceanside to meet his attorney, who along with family and friends had persuaded him to turn himself in, police said.
On Sunday night, about 15 miles east in San Marcos, deputies answering reports of screams for help and breaking glass found a woman with multiple stab wounds and cuts on her face.
She was listed in critical condition Monday morning, but authorities did not know her condition early Tuesday.
"Malil and the victim had apparently been in a dating relationship which recently ended," the statement said. Malil was arrested for investigation of attempted murder, mayhem and burglary, the statement said. Malil played one of star Steve Carell's co-workers in The 40-Year-Old-Virgin, and has appeared in dozens of TV shows including NYPD Blue and Scrubs."
Immensely not cool. And on that happy note, have a great day.
Iggy & Ekaterina United at Last!
Aug. 6
Sad to say but it happens all the time... during a Montreal stop on their current world tour, Iggy Pop and the Stooges had all their gear stolen.
(Unrelated comment: did you know that Canadians can immediately spot an American by how they pronounce Montreal? It's true... Yanks pronounce it phonetically whereas Canadians pronounce it "Muntreal." And the French? Heck, they ditch the "n" and "t" altogether to arrive at "Maahreal." Feel free to drop that little nugget at your next cocktail mixer).
Anyhoo, Stooges road manager Eric Fischer says the 15-foot truck stolen Monday contained all the group's instruments and stage gear. He tells the Detroit Free Press the lost items are worth tens of thousands of dollars.
On the plus side, Iggy is likely to be right royally pissed off, which will guarantee excellent subsequent shows (apparently, Gibson is loaning out gear from the band's Toronto show tonight and possibly beyond).
On the downside, Canada's rep as the musical gear-theft capital of the world is now cemented -- Vancouver is a particular spot of dubious distinction. Luckily for me, I am heading out to see the reunited Stooges tonight (thanks Tina!) so I will duly report back on the state of affairs.
Meanwhile, I have to pinch this awesome blurb from my man Christian, written as a precursor to our latest (greatest?) podcast. It pretty much sums up all the new goodies on our site and conveniently helps me out since I'm, like you know, a really big deal and therefore very busy. So yeah, there it is. I steal. Sue me:
Who says you can't always get what you want? Although this may apply to the rest of the world, it sure seems to not apply to current members of The Rolling Stones.
I guess they all called out, "If you make it, you can break it" when they made the iconic song, and it sure does makes sense, what with Their Satanic Majesties Request for Keith Richards immortality and all. Now Mr. Ronnie Wood has been rumored to have broken up with wife Jo and is now dating Ekaterina Ivanova, the 18-year-old Russian Cocktail waitress who likes English rock stars and Harry Potter lookalikes.
We are thrilled to bring you this patently fake celebrity dating advice from the beautiful Ekaterina, who disputes her rumored sex worker past but reaffirms that she is just a young Russian girl who likes "nice handsome men."
Over on the dating advice side of things, find out if Familiarity Breeds Content in Nathan Ciprick's first article for us, he might just shatter the adage that opposites attract, click here to find out. Confessions of a Snoop by Lisa Daily looks at snooping and finds out that if you need to look in the medicine cabinet, then that medicine may not be right for you, metaphorically speaking of course.
So, trust your guts, which brings me to introduce Elizabeth Bromstein's interview with former story editor for Sex and the City and the co-author of He's Just Not That into You, Liz Tuccillo. Sex and the City Writer talks Single Life and if I may say, if you are single, these two links are for you:
online dating
boomer dating
Don't forget to check out our latest Profile Doctor: Needs Oomph Injection and "If you knock long and hard enough, someone is bound to answer" Gemini! Read your weekly love horoscopes.
Thanks Christian! Now back to my full itinerary as a Really Big Deal Who is Very BusyTM
More later...
Hobbling along on Millions
July 28
Reason #714 to pile the hate on Paul McCartney's gold-digging ex Heather Mills. In a statement published today by Extra, Mills' long-serving, long-suffering publicist Michele Elyzabeth has quit, calling Mills "impossible" and citing verbal abuse as the tipping point.
"After working for Heather Mills for the past four years, I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person. Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me 'stupid.' I reminded her that she was not 'God' and she answered, 'I will never ever talk to you again.
"I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts. On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press has reported about her."
It's worth noting that when everyone and their cat was hurling mud at Mills, Michele Elyzabeth spoke out in the one-legged wonder's defence in her video blog. So you gotta know Mills was just a right c-word to prompt this kind of about-face.
For those who claim there is no justice in the universe, I offer this as proof positive there is. Heather Mills may have, like, a hundred gajillion bucks in the bank but nobody is going to invite her to their birthday party ever again. And she's dead at recess... so there.
So onto possibly more germane things... two great new stories on our site this week count as absolute must-reads (actually, all our stories are must-reads but we hope to indoctrinate you into the cult of Click using baby steps). First, have you ever visited a psychic to find out if love is in the cards for you? You've probably at least thought about it.
Faced with a numbing batch of choices and a palpable sense of ennui, our gal Lola Augustine Brown played guinea pig and consulted an East Coast psychic to see if love was in the proverbial cards. Find out the predictions -- and get some handy tips for finding a good psychic whatever your locale -- by reading Dating Advice from the Other Side.
Also new and on the lighter side, writer Nick Krewen rounds up the posse to compile the best, worst and most embarrassing pick-up lines ever uttered by a would-be Lothario in search of a little loving. Read the World's Most Awesome Pick-Up Lines.
Plus Click Film Sommelier, California-based Christopher Sawyer, makes the case for pink bubbly as the ideal companion to a DVD screening of the Oscar-winning Edith Piaf biopic, La Vie en Rose. Finally, Aries, Pisces, Virgo, Libra, et al: a solar eclipse is a-coming and your best defense may be a strategic offense. Read this week's Love Horoscopes here.
And in case you were wondering whatever happened to Knut, that cute, cuddly little superstar polar bear raised by zookeepers at the Berlin zoo after his mom rejected him... he's gone stark raving mad, apparently. That's human contact for you. More here.
Moldy... Like a Stone
July 24
Here's something to ponder as a way of putting your mortality into perspective: Saturday (July 26) Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones turns 65.
Yeah, I know I know... people have been carping about how geezerish the Stones are since the Steel Wheels tour of 1989/90 when Jagger was a spry 46. But 65 is a milestone isn't it? It's the age when most middle class working stiffs officially retire.
Furthermore, can you remember any time in your pathetic little existence when you were unaware of the Rolling Stones? Answer: no. So if Jagger is halfway to age 70, that means you're traversing this mortal coil pretty swiftly yourself. Depressing, isn't? Just thought I'd share that little bubble of happiness with you....
Unrelated but equally disturbing - my pal Elizabeth Bromstein tells me the bright lights over at MTV films are set to remake cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show. No actors have been announced yet. Because of course there are just tons and tons of actors much better than Tim Curry and Susan Sarandon and an only-slightly-overweight Meat Loaf for this film.
And it's not like the original still plays to sell-out (and decked out) crowds in theatres all over the world. It's a relic, a lost gem for chrissakes. Of course it should be remade for a new generation. Perfect, I say. Now pass me that .45 Beretta ...I can't stand the sight of that stupid hummingbird flitting around that Hibiscus. Smug bastard. Let's see who's the cool one without wings now. Sucker.
Meanwhile, a judge in New Zealand has sided with a 9-year-old girl whose ass-clown parents named her... wait for it... Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, making her a ward of the court so that her name can be changed (presumably to Susie or Kathy or Joan or something similarly innocuous).
Reports CNN.com: "Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt listed a series of unusual names that New Zealand parents had given their children, and said he was concerned that such strange monikers would create hurdles for them as they grew up.
"'It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap,'" the New Zealand Press Association quoted the judge as saying. Among the names Murfitt cited: twins named Benson and Hedges -- after a brand of cigarettes; Violence; and Number 16 Bus Shelter.
"The Registrar General of Births, Deaths and Marriages said in a statement that it had rejected names including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, and Sex Fruit. A lawyer for Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii said the girl is so embarrassed by her name that friends know her as 'K.'"
The thing about Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii is that it doesn't even boil down to a good acronym, the sort sex columnist Dave Savage seems to inspire among this flock (you know, the guy who wants to be sodomized signs his letter A Nice Adorable Lover which Savage then cleverly abbreviates to ANAL -- ha ha -- in his response.)
I mean, TDTHFH? That's just dumb. But Sex Fruit... that's a damn fine name that doesn't even NEED an acronym. Which suggests those Kiwi judges are deliriously power-crazy, undoubtedly from eating too much lamb (notice I said eating and not... the other thing you were thinking. Filthy mind).
We'll close today by offering a Happy 39th to Jennifer Lopez who, thanks to her marriage to Skeletor, is uniquely qualified to excel at dating in the Afterlife when that eventuality calls. That expression "to jump someone's bones?" Oh yeah, J-Lo knows all about that.
Leo Rising... Ahhhh!
July 21
OK so you had an affair. With your boss. Your married boss. It's official -- you are an idiot.
But how to pull yourself out of a sticky situation while inflicting the least amount of collateral damage? That's a great question and one Click writer Elizabeth Bromstein attempts to answer in her new piece, The End of the Affair.
Even if you haven't found yourself personally in this situation, there is enough sound advice in this article to make it a must-read for everyone. Sooner or later, you just might wish you had.
Also new and worth a peek: Sex Advice from Competitive Scrabble Players. Yeah, I know it's weird but live a little whydon'tcha?
And this just in -- why is anyone giving these flabby-arsed, borderline illiterate, MF-ing Kardashians (virtual) ink? Jeez. C'mon Superficial, you can do better than that!
Completely unrelated, has anyone else noticed that the whole dang world seems to perceptibly lighten up when the zodiac moves into the sign of Leo, as it does this week?
Yeah, take a deep breath and relax.
Completely cute-slash-crazy headline and story of the day: "Peruvians flock to guinea pig festival." Really. It's on CNN for chrissakes. Check it out here. First, they dress them in tiny traditional Peruvian garb outfits, then they eat them using toothpicks! Ha! Those wacky Peruvians!
More later when some real news rolls in...
When Emails Go Bad
July 18
If there is one thing I really hate, it's chain email -- you know where somebody sends you something maybe kind of cute or witty but tainted by an ominous warning that it you don't forward the email to X number of friends, your skin will basically fall off your bones and your head will explode and you will die within 24 hours. And then the bad stuff will begin.
So today, I open my Hotmail Inbox, see an email from a friend with a subject line that looks innocuous enough and I open it. Lo and behold -- it's a chain email. And it warns me that I will have horrendous luck if I don't forward on to a bunch more people. Christ on a cross!
So for the purposes of hedging my bets, here it is. It's horoscope-related so find your sign and see if it measures up... and maybe I can avoid certain death for now. And special to my emailing "friend" LCF: damn you!
And be sure to scroll down. For your interest and amusement (because I am a giving and generous Leo) I have also added another, more sinister take on this whole Zodiac/personality thing.... Yeah, have fun.
ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19)
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly -- easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.
TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20)
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great
friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.
GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.
CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.
LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22)
Very organized. Need order in their lives -- like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and emotional.
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.
CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humoros and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.
PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.
And now, the lighter side...
Aries (3/21 - 4/19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a Communist.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. Most people like you, as you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. In other words, you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off; that's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers. People laugh at you a great deal.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything; you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long, as they take root and become trees.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Jays Fans Bring the Awesome
July 15
As this crazy-ass Alex Rodriquez-Cynthia Rodriquez-Madonna thing continues to gather steam and generate rumor and conjecture on a global scale, two things are immediately clear.
First, Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone-- who penned a tell-all that coincidentally published just as this whole thing blew up -- is the luckiest MF alive. You literally cannot buy the kind of press he's getting.
Everybody and their dog wants to book him onto talk shows to serve as the "expert commentator" on the A-Rod scandal and Madonna's possible divorce from Guy Ritchie. It's doubtful Ciccone's (surely) dreadful tome would've garnered half the attention had it dropped at any other time.
The other thing that is apparent: Toronto baseball fans are, like, freaking awesome. When A-Rod and his much-loathed New York Yankees hit Hogtown for a trio of games last weekend (with the Toronto Blue Jays winning two of three), fans in the stands did not boo or holler or cause a fuss but instead, quietly and with much (heh heh) dignity, held up these photos.
Priceless. And we managed to snag a quick bit of patently fake celebrity dating advice from Cynthia "Scarface" Rodriquez for our Podcast. Hoo-ha!
So... will the Rolling Stones tour again? Probably, but whether or not Ron Wood will be with them is another matter. The pocket-sized guitarist has apparently fallen hard off the wagon and is shacked up in his pile in Ireland with an 18-year-old Russian cocktail waitress he met at an escort bar three months ago. Ah, Woody, classy to the end.
The fact that Wood's press secretary is confirming the report (and not spinning webs of obfuscating lies as publicists usually do) suggests the matter is very grave indeed. The whole sordid story is salaciously told in Britain's Daily Mail, available here.
And here's a thought -- maybe after the Stones turf him for (ahem) substance abuse, Wood could host his own reality TV show called So You Think You Can Drink? whereby contestants would go up against the Woodman shot-for-shot, pint-for-pint, with whoever falling down first losing (pukers would immediately be disqualified). Could work!
Oh and this just in... some couple in France had twin babies. Boy and girl, apparently. And in other couples news -- reps for comedian Sarah Silverman and talk show host Jimmy Kimmel confirm the pair have split after five years and two awesome video clips together (you do remember the sublime genius that was I'm Fucking Matt Damon and I'm Fucking Ben Affleck, don't you?)
Anyway the split is probably for the best as it's doubtful those two, though very talented and funny, could ever birth anything more wicked than those videos in two lifetimes. So lights our and adieu.
Why I Love News
July 11
There have been some real gems in the press lately -- and by gems I don't mean fucktarded celebrity shenanigans, although famous or infamous people are involved.
No, I mean bona fide great stories, the kind that, when dropped at cocktail parties or on nervous first dates, make the storyteller seem hip and funny and cool and waaay plugged-in.
By far the greatest -- reported by the Globe and Mail and others -- is about an apparently faux cage-fighting match staged (and filmed) in the heart of Redneck Country, USA (aka Little Rock Arkansas) by Borat mastermind Sasha Baron Cohen, which culminated in sweaty, half-naked guys kissing seductively in front of a bloodthirsty, beer-soaked crowd.
"An elaborate array of mounted and hand-held video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600's reaction as the two men 'went right up to the line; of the city's morality laws, Sgt. Holland said. The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.
"The audience, as well as local fighters drawn to take part in the show, became enraged. 'It set the crowd off lobbing beers,' Sgt. Holland said. 'They had beers in plastic cups. Those things can get some distance on them, actually.'" That may well be the quote of the year right there folks.
The Globe continues: "News of the faked cage fights comes as Mr. Baron Cohen is in production for a movie titled Bruno, named after the gay Austrian fashion reporter he developed for Da Ali G Show. Mr. Baron Cohen, in the guise of Bruno, often interviewed hapless subjects in the South." If Bruno is an 18th as brilliant as Borat, I love it already. Borat one, Arkansas, nil.
Also borrowed from the what...? file comes a tale of Van Halen screamer David Lee Roth suffering a serious peanut allergy in the heart of rural Ontario, Canada and being saved by cops who had no fricking idea who Roth was despite the fact that a reunited Van Halen played extensively throughout Canada on its recent reunion tour.
"Rock star David Lee Roth suffered a medical emergency during a recent visit to a rural Ontario town," reports the Toronto Sun. "Brant OPP pulled over a rented vehicle for speeding last month in Oakland north of Waterford. Roth, the driver, was suffering an allergic reaction to nuts. Officers stayed with Roth until paramedics arrived.
"Const. Larry Plummer of the Brant OPP said it is an exaggeration to suggest the officers saved Roth's life. What the officers did, Plummer said, is routine for police everywhere [adding] the young constables involved didn't know who they were dealing with, nor did they know of Roth, 53, when told of his history."
But -- and here is the almighty kicker -- the responding officer, Const. Chris Thompson, was quoted as saying, "At the time, I wasn't star struck [though] the guy stuck out like a sore thumb. He was wearing a little silk scarf and flashy clothing - it's not something you see in Oakland too often." No shit, Sherlock. Add to that a visual image of Roth's toupee and you've got quite a snazzy combo.
News Flash: Apparently, the "saved" man was a David Lee Roth imposter who was smooth enough to hoodwink numerous locals including members of a Van Halen tribute band. Deets here.
Elsewhere in the news, the head-spinning, hyper-salacious, tabloid-perfect trainwreck that was the divorce trial of former supermodel Christie Brinkley and teen-loving porno freak Peter Cook came to abrupt end yesterday, with Brinkley receiving custody of the couple's two children.
CNN reports, "The settlement was reached at 6:15 a.m. after an all-night session, Brinkley's lawyer, Robert Stephan Cohen, told the court. Under the agreement, Brinkley will give Cook $2.1 million but keep 18 properties in the Hamptons that were at dispute. Cook will get parenting time with the children, under an agreement mutually satisfactory to both."
Wait, sorry, 18 properties in the Hamptons? So a different house every night of the fortnight with, uh, four to spare for, like, guests and stuff? Oh those wacky rich people -- aren't they just adorable?
Anyway, in keeping with today's theme of great quotes, Brinkley -- who learned of Cook's affair with an 18-year-old from the teen's stepfather (!) moments after she delivered a commencement speech at Southampton High School -- said from the stand: "Anyone who would run the risk of destroying this wonderful life, anybody that would chase a teenager -- I mean, a young girl -- where is his judgment?"
Presumably, trying to figure out what the heck to do with 18 properties on a small and highly rarefied sliver of the east coast. While stroking nubile teen boobies. Now you know.
Sex. Yup, Still Selling
July 8
God bless Globe & Mail contributor, author, poet and pop culture maven Lynn Crosbie. Her weekly column, Pop Rocks, appears every Tuesday in the paper's arts section and it never fails to intrigue, amuse and entertain me.
Crosbie views the world with an enormously cynical perspective, in part I think because she is, at her core, enormously optimistic and always in search of something great and cool but has been disappointed so often that she can't help but feel, well, cynical. That, I get.
And like Judge Judy's rulings (favorite episode: Sex Pistol-cum-PiL frontman John Lydon versus prima donna drummer), no matter how harsh, I almost always seem to agree with Crosbie's appraisals of the planet (and its people) around her.
That she most often filters her views through the darkly fascinating and endlessly contentious world of celebrity life only makes her that much more readable. In a world stuffed to capacity with unthinking, publicist-approved smiley-faced crap masking as journalism, Crosbie's is a voice of reason.
So... let's say it loud and proud. We love you Lynn Crosbie. Rock on! And if you're ever free after work sister, drinks are on me. I'll even pay. (Hi-ho! See what I did right there? Made a sly sex reference... like I'll wear the drinks and pay for the drinks. Clever no? Jeez, tough crowd.)
And while you're surfing the Globe site (no I am not a paid cheerleader but I damn well should be) be sure to check out this cool piece on the renaissance of long-deceased Beach Boy Dennis Wilson's solo album and the bizarre contemporary Foo Fighter connection that helped put Wilson's all-but-lost Pacific Ocean Blue disc back into headphones the world over.
OK so modern dating... how about that Madonna? What a cut-up. But I have to say, I think she's telling the truth about there being nothing between her and New York Yankee Alex "A-Rod" Rodriquez despite what his soon-to-be-ex-wife (make that very rich ex-wife) claims in her divorce filing.
I mean, I know Madonna is a legendary (no, gargantuan... no massive, humongous, really stinking big) super-slut despite her attempts in the past few years to paint herself as a proper English lady wearing itchy-looking floral-pattern dresses whilst popping out kiddy books and snapping up errant Africans.
But her explanation about her and A-Rod sharing a manager seems plausible to me. Plus almost nothing has ever leaked about Madonna that she herself wasn't leaking on purpose. She is a media master with seemingly dark powers of control. Plus the imagination of the New York tabloid press is running into overdrive thanks in no small part to the scandalous mud being slung by Christie Brinkley in her nasty divorce case unfolding in Long Island.
Guess we'll have to wait and see... though as my co-worker Christian mentioned, Madonna did sleep with Dennis Rodman which is just... just... chilling.
Meantime, I steal this next bit directly from thesuperficial.com because it's already perfect and absolutely no embellishment is required. Take it away...
"Cashing in while the iron's hot, Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer's ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider sat down for an interview with News of the World to openly discuss the couple's sex life. I will never, ever in my entire life write anything as funny as the unintentional hilarity that comes out of Ranae's mouth. This chick should do Vegas:
On sex in general with a midget:
'So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big. On the whole though, he wasn't short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size.'
On their first time and the Mini-Me's magical rebound skills:
'I had no complaints. But the whole thing was over in three minutes. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing.'
On why midgets prefer sex on dry land:
'I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub," she said. "Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him.'
Mini-Me almost drowns trying to do his girlfriend in a bubble bath. Jesus. *hangs up keyboard* Sorry, guys, you just can't follow something like that. I'll be simultaneously laughing/crying/inhaling White-Out in the supply closet until the next post. Hold my calls."
Tell me that isn't genius! Over and out.
So, Who's Free Tuesday Nights?
July 3
Like a drifter he was born to walk alone. Let's take a moment here to say goodbye to Trapeze/Whitesnake guitarist Mel Galley, 60, who succumbed to Cancer of the esophagus on July 1 and went off to that great arena gig in the sky.
While Galley did play on the original version of Here I Go Again, on the 1982 album Saints & Sinners, you probably know the version that was revamped for their smash hit 1987 release Whitesnake, featuring Adrian Vandenburg on the axe solos. While playing with Whitesnake, Galley suffered an injury to his arm and, unable to play guitar, left the band. He was later fitted with a device he called "The Claw" and returned to playing.
Galley announced he was dying of cancer in February. "I have been very lucky," he wrote at his MySpace site. "I have seen some great bands, played with many great musicians and enjoyed some tremendous experiences. I am thankful that I can say a proper goodbye to all the friends I have made, who are now rallying round me."
Goodnight axeman.
Onto less serious things. A Shot at Love 2 with Tila Tequila came to an end this week and now I don't know WHAT I'm going to do with my Tuesday nights. It's like one of those big post birthday let-downs, or that hollow, lost, confused feeling you get when you break up with your boyfriend. You know, you wake up in the morning and it takes a few minutes for you to remember he's NOT THERE and HE'S NEVER COMING BACK. I keep thinking "Oh boy! I can't wait for Tuesday and Tila Tequila!" because I sort of think of Tila as my girlfriend -- my girlfriend who was dropped on her head as a baby and raised in a Thai brothel -- and then I remember. She's gone. But I'm guessing it's only a matter of time until A Shot at Love 3 which was clearly the intention all along since the woman she chose, Kristy Morgan, turned her down. Yay! Though, all that fake crying almost made ME fake cry. I guess I'll be OK.
Tila is acting all upset, though, and pretending she's not coming back. Plus, she's writing poetry on her website, which might not maybe be the best idea. Warning: NSFW language.
"BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS!
Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.
Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running. Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!
Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God."
Um. Right on then. Bring on the pigs' vaginas and grunting Jersey douchewaffles.
Speaking of sluts, visit our click blog to read about Shawn's visit to Portland - "land of the thr
