Ashley* admits "I'm the queen of snooping. It has ruined/saved many relationships. With my last relationship I found out about all of his other girlfriends by going through his cell phone text messages. I confirmed the relationships by texting the girls. I also had access to his email accounts...

"But honestly, if you need to snoop, odds are he/she's not the one."

Jill Spiegel, author of The Flirtologist's Guide to Dating, says we usually snoop because of a lack of trust or a suspicion of cheating but in some cases, people snoop out of mere curiosity. "They were raised in households where family members role-modeled snooping as acceptable." That doesn't mean it actually is acceptable, however.

"Snooping is extremely unhealthy -- and reinforces mistrust on both sides," says Spiegel. "If you feel the need to snoop take it as a sign it's time for open and direct communication. If you suspect your mate is cheating, tell him/her why you feel that way and trust that the truth always comes out."

Blame Technology

Thomas Martin, known as "America's PI" says,"Snooping through a friend or mate's stuff now accounts for client's initiating 38 per cent of our marital-type surveillances. We have done over 34,000 surveillances; 80 per cent of our clients are women, 20 per cent men. We catch 97 per cent of the people we follow."

Martin adds, "During the past eight years there has been a dramatic increase in the number of surveillances initiated because of information or "leads" obtained from looking at laptops, computers, cell phones, text messages and emails.

"During the 80s and 90s women relied on 'intuition' and men a 'gut feel.' With the 21st century boom in technology, [people can simply click a mouse and read] 'I love you' or 'I can't wait to be with you again' or 'I loved the threesome.'

Some tales of snoopers and snoopees...

Bella's Story

"I was snooping on a now ex-boyfriend's desk and actually found that he had been snooping on me. He had written down phone numbers he didn't recognize from my cell phone bill (which he apparently had been researching). At a later date, he also got on one of my email accounts and sent himself some exchanges between a new boyfriend and me.

"I also caught myself snooping at one point. Another boyfriend had left his phone at my house and it rang incessantly. After a certain point, I checked the phone number and didn't recognize it. I actually answered the phone to a girl who said she was dating him. Interesting how that kind of snooping changes a relationship."

Sometimes we're drawn to snoop because of a gnawing suspicion that something isn't right, that our partner has changed, or there's something we should know.

Mark's Story

"I totally snooped on an ex-girlfriend once. I felt terrible about it but she'd been acting very different lately; more reserved, indifferent to the relationship and during sex it seemed like she was just not there. She started sneaking out of the room for hushed phone calls and when I tried to talk to her about these things she wouldn't give any answers about what was up. I just had to know what was going on.

"I stayed over at her place one night and while she was in the shower and getting ready for work I decided I would snoop around her desk and in her purse. I found flirty text messages on her phone, a hand-written love note from another guy and his business card in her purse. I admit it was an impulse decision to snoop; I was raised to respect the privacy of others and the whole experience left me with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not only had I violated someone's privacy but this person hadn't had the respect for me to just be honest and let me know it was time to move on. I didn't want to tell her how I found out about the other guy but I realized I expected her to be honest with me so I'd better 'fess up too.

"After thinking very carefully about the situation I confronted her a few days later. She denied everything but I broke up with her anyway. A couple of weeks later she called and confessed how they'd met on a business trip, that it was just a fling and that she'd like us to stay together. I met the love of my life the next year, so it was definitely the right move to leave. On the other hand, snooping made me feel terrible so, I won't ever be doing that again."

There are some people who snoop on every boyfriend or girlfriend (women are more likely to snoop according to experts.) At some level, they feel they are unworthy of love or respect, and so they go searching for proof of what they already believe to be true.

Along this same line, many chronic snoopers are cheaters as well. Guilt is a strange, strange animal -- they cheat, so they think you might cheat, becoming more and more possessive and paranoid.

Britt's Story

"I lived with my boyfriend for two years. He was a wonderful, sweet guy, but was sometimes very possessive. If we went out and I said hello to another guy in passing, I was bombarded with 10 questions: Who was that? How did I know the guy? Had we dated or slept together?

"It made me feel very guarded. He grew more suspicious. One day, I went to work and he went onto my laptop and into my emails (Mac computers will keep you logged in until you logout manually, not just when you close the browser). He emailed himself passwords to other accounts, like my MySpace account and checking account.

I didn't realize he was doing this until he finally found an email he didn't like. I was sitting at work when he starting forwarding me my own personal emails! I was shocked and hurt.