And it goes without saying that passive-aggressiveness is common to long-term relationships. Heck, for many couples, it's the very backbone. But p-a behaviors have invaded the dating sphere as well.

 

For example: how many times have you read an online profile that went something like, "Whoever thought I'd end up here?" (Translated: "Actually, I think I'm far too good to be on a site like this.") "But who knows, maybe I'll meet the partner of my dreams. Stranger things have happened." ("Yeah, like UFOs landing and a decent Adam Sandler movie.") "So, if you think you've got what it takes" ("Which I'm sure you don't, but let's pretend") "then message me."

 

Then there's the passive-aggressive date-arranger, whose weapon of choice is voicemail. "Yeah, well, I don't really have anything to do today so I thought I'd give you a call and see what you're up to, maybe we could get together, but if not, whatever." Oh, well in that case let me just cancel my audience with the Pope.

 

Guys in particular seem prone to passive-aggressive behavior, at least where females are concerned. Depending on his level of self-confidence, if a dude is attracted to his date, he might be resentful of her power over him. The result is a kind of "you-can't-reject-me-if-I-reject-you-first" attitude that might manifest itself in rudeness to waiters, bragging about real estate deals, and taking calls from an ex in the middle of dinner.

 

And, as most women will attest, nothing brings out the passive-aggressiveness in guys more than rejection, especially when of a sexual nature. To save face, most men when their advances are met with a can of mace will say it's OK. But it's really not because he suspects you've already slept with his friend, the UPS dude and Anthony Keidis. And so he might say something like, "I'd drive you home but I have to get up for paintball practice. Here's the bus stop."

 

Jealousy is another trigger for us. Sorry!

 

"I used to have serious jealousy issues, which I'm happy and relieved to say I've defeated," writes Adrian M, a journalist and musician. "BUT back in the day, anything that stoked my jealousy would trigger an immediate passive-aggressive reaction -- and it didn't take much to make that happen. It was passive-aggression because I was lucid enough to be embarrassed about my own weakness but incapable of controlling it."

 

It's not just a male thing, though. But a lot of men aren't very good at communicating their displeasure, and figure the shortest route to watching the game is to just nod and smile.

 

"In my book, I talk about it [passive-aggressive behavior] as a kind of sugar-coated hostility," says Dr. Scott Wetzler, a professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, and the author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man.

 

"It's a kind of hostility that's being enacted, and at the same time being denied. The person might be acting very innocent, saying 'You're imagining this.' Or they might make a sarcastic comment which hurts your feelings and then they say, 'Why are you so sensitive?'"

 

The phrase itself was coined during World War II, when military psychiatrists noticed a segment of soldiers who weren't defying or disobeying orders, but also weren't carrying them out.

 

Wikipedia meanwhile, sums it up thusly: "Passive-aggressive behavior is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious."