With that in mind, we at Click by Lavalife have gathered some of the greatest, funniest, weirdest and most prescient sex-and-dating utterances through the ages as a springboard to your soul-searching... or to use as a handy time-wasting diversion. Your choice.
"What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne
(Oh Nathaniel, that's just about the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I'm totally going to use that the next time I want to get into someone's pants).
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner
(I guess we've become a little more jaded since Hawthorne's time.)
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
- Mickey Rooney
"The appropriate age for marriage is around 18 for girls and 37 for men."
(Who knew that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were such well-read students of Aristotle's works?)
On Marriage and Sex...
"God created sex. Priests created marriage."
"A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing."
- W. Somerset Maugham
"Extra-marital sex is as overrated as pre-marital sex. And marital sex, come to think of it."
- Simon Gray
"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
(Nine marriages -- you must have learned something!)
"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it."
- Truman Capote
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation."
- Lily Tomlin
"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."
- George Carlin
"An orgasm is just a reflex, like a sneeze."
- Ruth Westheimer
(Way to take the magic out of sex, Doctor).
"An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away."
- Mae West
(Hopefully, it keeps Doctor Ruth away. Way to go Mae!)
"Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex."
- Barbara Cartland
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
- Woody Allen
(As with most Woody Allen quotes, you wonder whether you should put it in the 'sex' section or the 'masturbation' section).
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal
(If by "place" you mean, "parking lot," then yes).
"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex."
- Billy Joel
(Have you seen Billy Joel lately? I think he's been avoiding lots of bad sex).
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
- Ingrid Bergman
"Kissing don't last; cookery do."
- George Meredith
(My cooking lasts longer than you'd ever want it to).